


The Cooper Complexity

by Daedaleopsis



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Forbidden Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daedaleopsis/pseuds/Daedaleopsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Penny and Leonard get engaged, Sheldon struggles to cope when everything that was familiar to him changes. (cross-posted on fanfiction.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory doesn't belong to me; it belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady, CBS, etc.

A/N: I am a huge Shenny shipper, but I came up with the idea for this story as I wondered how I could have a fair and balanced story that showed Penny's love for both Leonard and Sheldon. It takes place after the events of season six. I'm not sure how fair and balanced it ultimately ended up being, but here goes.

Chapter 1

Penny woke up with a start. It had been almost six weeks since Leonard had left on the North Sea expedition. She had almost gotten used to sleeping by herself again, but in the past few weeks, her dreams had become especially vivid. It had been one of these dreams that had actually woken her up tonight. She had seen her mother's face, frowning at her, saying, "Never good enough, Penny. Nothing's ever good enough for you, is it?"

She gazed blearily at her alarm clock. It was a few minutes shy of five AM. She rolled over with a sigh, fluffing her pillow as she tried to get back to sleep. She wished Leonard were there. She missed his self-deprecating, lopsided smile. She missed having someone to cuddle up to at night and of course, she missed having sex. As she thought about Leonard, realization struck her like a bolt of lightning. It was Leonard that her mother had been talking about in her dream. She had a good relationship with him, comfortable and content. But she was always wondering if there was something more, some grand passion that she was missing.

"Leonard is a good man," she murmured to herself in the darkness. "And he loves me. What else am I waiting for?"

She knew that she was scared of commitment. Maybe she just needed to dive in and get over her fears. With that thought, she rolled over and went back to sleep. In the cold light of day, however, Penny still questioned her decision. Was it fair to Leonard, she asked herself, that marriage to him also represented stability for her? If she married him, she would never have to worry about paying the rent or the utilities, or have to choose between buying groceries or a new pair of heels. On the other hand, if they were engaged, she could stop feeling guilty about letting him pay for her meals every time the boys ordered takeout. She sighed. With any other weighty problem, she would have asked Sheldon's opinion, but there was no way she could ever talk to him about this. She knew the least hint of change would send him into a blind panic. Or worse, he would spend the next six weeks trying to talk her out of it just so his life wouldn't change.

As Leonard's return date drew near, she was still nervous and unsure. But she decided, to hell with it. She was not the kind to sit back and experience life passively. She was a junior rodeo champ after all, and she was not going to be conquered by her fears. Over the next few weeks, Penny actually found herself worrying more about how Sheldon was going to take the news. Despite her feelings for Leonard, she considered Sheldon to be her closest friend. She had gotten used to his quirks, and actually appreciated his sometimes-harsh brand of honesty. Often, Leonard drove her crazy with the fawning compliments he paid her, especially since she knew he was just trying to stay on her good side. How had he put it that one time they had tried to go out as just friends? He did what she wanted so he could have sex. It was hardly a flattering thought, and so she quickly put it out of her mind. Sure, Leonard isn't perfect, she thought, but neither am I. That's why we work so well together.

 

Penny was standing at the end of a long concourse just past the baggage claim, wearing the little black dress that Leonard loved to see her wear. In her hands were three large poster boards. The one in front said "Hofstadter" as if she were some sort of chauffer service. As she waited, feeling a little silly, her mind drifted back to her concern over Sheldon. Over the summer, they had once again fallen into their old routine, established a couple of years ago when she had dumped Leonard. Her brow unconsciously furrowed as she remembered that at that time, not only Raj and Howard had seemed to avoid her, but to a lesser extent, Bernadette and Amy as well. Sheldon, oblivious as always to social context, had started coming over to her place for dinner. In the same way, they had started to have dinner together again while Leonard was away. Sheldon would bring some sci-fi DVD with him, and after dinner they would watch Star Trek or Firefly or the Avengers movie (which Penny secretly adored). She knew that Sheldon's biggest issue with her engagement to Leonard would be his fear of losing his two closest friends. Of course, he loved to disguise his feelings behind contracts and complaints about the inconvenience to him, but Penny had learned that he was just trying to maintain consistency in his life. And right now, she was about to turn his world upside-down.

Penny shook off her musings as she saw a knot of people headed her way. Craning her neck, she thought she saw a mop of brown curls, but it was hard to tell because there were taller people in the front of the crowd. Finally, she saw her man, and she squealed and waved. He was much closer to her than she had wanted him to be for her perfect set-up, so she quickly shuffled her posters. The second one read, in large letters, "I love you." Leonard stopped for a moment, the weariness dropping from his face and posture as he drank in the sight of his beautiful girlfriend. His heart swelled with pride as he saw her standing there, holding up a sign proclaiming her love for the entire world to see. When he had first met Penny, it had been love at first sight for him, but it had taken a long time for her to date him, and even longer for her to admit she had feelings for him. As Leonard hurried toward his love, she shuffled her signs once more. The last one read, "Will you marry me?"

Leonard paused for a moment, stunned, and then he was running toward her, picking her up and swinging her around as he kissed her passionately. Some of the onlookers broke into applause, and there was a smattering of congratulations and way-to-go's as Leonard stood there looking into Penny's eyes and grinning madly.

"Do you really mean it, Penny?" he asked, giving her his patented puppy-eyed look.

"Duh… sign," she replied with a mega-watt smile of her own, waving her poster board.

"Then, yeah, I guess that would be ok," he said in his mock-nonchalant way. She punched him lightly on the arm. "You have to say 'yes'," she prompted teasingly.

"Ow. I mean, yes. Yes, I will marry you, Penny," he said proudly. At that moment, he couldn't believe that even winning a Nobel Prize could ever compare to this moment. She had chosen him, she loved him, and he couldn't wait until the day when he could introduce her to the world as his wife, Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter.


	2. Chapter 2

The apartment had been decorated with balloons, streamers, and a "Welcome Home" banner, despite Sheldon's objections that a hearty handshake could convey the same sentiment with less mess and chaos. Bernadette's eyes had lit with an unholy gleam at his churlishness, but Amy had quickly intervened, telling Sheldon that it was a "non-optional social convention". As usual, the phrase seemed to work its magic, and he subsided with only a few more grumbles.

As the girls continued to hang decorations, Raj and Howard were putting out drinks and snacks. Sheldon had retreated to his room. He needed some time to think, and he appreciated that the sanctity of his room was one boundary that Amy had yet to challenge. It was his relationship with her that he needed to ponder. Initially, the one quality of Amy's that truly attracted his interest was her near-clinical detachment, her abhorrence of emotional displays, and her purely logical outlook on life. But gradually, things had begun to change. Sheldon was reminded of a maxim that stated that when a man finds the perfect woman, he wants her to stay exactly the same, and when a woman finds a perfect man, she wants to change everything about him. That was exactly how their relationship had progressed. He had liked Amy the way she was when they first met. Now, despite her seeming attachment to him, every time he compromised on one thing, she just pushed for more. Was this really what his friends were so anxious for him to experience—a gradual erosion of principle and personality?

He wondered if perhaps relationships were a microcosm of the dystopia illustrated in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Instead of happy pills, did people numb themselves through the natural endorphins released through coitus? Certainly his friends all seemed to buy into the hype propounded by so many types of social media that you could not be truly happy until you had found your "soul mate", the one person who was perfect for you. Well, three years ago, Sheldon had thought he had found, if not his soul mate, then the one female most like himself. Ironically, he believed that the Amy of three years ago would barely recognize her current self: a woman who wore heels and makeup, went out drinking and dancing with her friends, and who had a boyfriend that she was constantly pressuring for further emotional and physical intimacy.

The difference between them, Sheldon mused, was that he eschewed emotional attachments, knowing that disappointment was the best possible outcome of such relationships. But Amy, when she had met people who had treated her with a modicum of kindness, had opened her heart to them like a Texas bluebonnet in the morning sun. Sheldon found himself considering if there might not be some merit to Amy's way of thinking. Yet he had forged some of the closest friendships of his life with Leonard, Raj and Howard, and they didn't treat him with much consideration at all. He knew his superior attitude was, in truth, a defense mechanism that just happened to be based on the truth that he was vastly more intelligent than ninety-nine percent of humanity.

His friends were certainly all of above-average intelligence (Leonard's IQ was even high enough to qualify for MENSA), but they still spent much of their time and energy pursing relationships—or coitus, the two being so closely connected in their hormone-saturated limbic systems that it was hard to distinguish between them. Perhaps that was the reason for their often callous treatment of him; they only dusted off their best manners if coitus was a possibility. So were his friends insulting and condescending to him because they felt he had nothing to offer by his friendship?

Suddenly, a pounding at his door interrupted his musings. "Sheldon, we just saw Leonard and Penny. They're on their way up here. Either you come out now, or I'm coming in there," Bernadette's shrill voice cried.

Sheldon glanced at the clock, startled to find that he had spent almost ten minutes contemplating not only his own feelings, but also those of his friends. It was all Amy's fault, he thought darkly as he carefully straightened his double-layered tees. He opened the door and stared down challengingly at the blonde's petite form.

"There's no call to be rude, Bernadette," he informed her haughtily, hiding his discomfiture as he swept past her.

As Penny and Leonard had driven home from the airport, they discussed the best way to announce their big news. Leonard was so happy that he wanted to shout it out as soon as they walked in the door. He couldn't quite understand why Penny was so concerned about how Sheldon would react, but in his euphoric state, he agreed to do things her way.

As they walked in the door of the apartment, they were greeted with cheers. Everyone crowded around Leonard, hugging him and asking about his research trip. After Leonard had regaled them all with a few choice anecdotes, he excused himself and disappeared into his bedroom.

"Is something wrong, bestie?" Amy asked, sidling up to her favorite blond. "You seem a little tense."

Penny opened her mouth to say that she was just tired—hey, that was a valid excuse, right?—when Leonard re-emerged from his bedroom and called out in a loud voice, "May I have your attention, please? I have something I would like to say in front of all of my closest friends."

Penny pressed a hand to her stomach hard against a sudden wave of nausea. Leonard wasn't going to say anything after he had promised her he wouldn't, right?

"Tonight is the best night of my entire life, because the most beautiful woman in the world has agreed to become my wife," Leonard stated.

Penny quickly plastered on her best smile as their friends exploded in raucous shouts of congratulations.

"Dibs on maid of honor!" Amy yelled quickly.

Leonard crossed the room to stand in front of Penny. He held a black velvet ring box in his hand.

"Since you were the one who proposed to me, I guess all I have to do is put it on you," he said with a tentative grin.

He slid the ring onto her unresisting hand. As she looked over the heads of her friends who had rushed to congratulate her, she met Sheldon's gaze. He was staring at her with an inscrutable expression on his face, then he turned on his heel and retreated once again to his bedroom.

After Penny had been hugged at least twice by all her friends—and Howard was truly a reformed married man, he hadn't even tried to feel her up—she caught Leonard's eye, jerked her head toward the back hallway, and mouthed the word "Sheldon." The corners of his mouth flattened slightly, but he nodded as she left to see how her friend was coping with this sudden change.

She was pleased to find that Sheldon was not curled up in a ball in the center of his bed, as he had done the last time he received upsetting news. Instead, he was standing facing the wall with his hands clasped behind his back. "Hey, Sheldon, I'm really sorry that we just kind of sprung things on you like that," Penny began, twisting the new ring on her finger nervously. "I know how much you don't like change. I even asked Leonard to wait a while before we told everyone, but I guess he was just too excited."

Sheldon turned to face her. "I have already elucidated my opinion on this matter," he said. "Since both you and Leonard have seen fit to ignore my wisdom and continue in this ill-fated arrangement, I suppose it behooves me to yield to non-optional social convention and wish you felicitations."

Penny was taken aback at the icy tone in his voice, and she knew he was using multisyllabic words to try to hide his feelings. She also noted that while he said he should congratulate her, he had avoided actually saying any such thing, a trick she knew he used occasionally when forced to apologize when he didn't really mean it.

"Oh, come on, Sheldon, don't be mad at me," Penny wheedled.

"Penny, I wish to be alone right now. Get out of my room," Sheldon said in a glacial tone, turning his back on her to face the wall again.

"You know what, Sheldon? You're being a jerk. As one of my closest friends, you're supposed to be happy for me. But instead you'd rather wallow in self-pity because something might change in your life. Well, forget this. I'm going back out to the party where my real friends are. If you change your mind, you know where to find me," Penny snapped. She felt like slamming the door behind her, but she didn't want to cause a scene. Instead, she held her head high as she rejoined her friends, smiling as though everything in her life was perfect.

The next day, Penny was still feeling nervous about the huge commitment that marriage represented, so she turned to her best friend Bernadette for advice. (Yes, Penny's best female friend was Bernie, not Amy, although she would never hurt Amy's feelings by saying so.) Over iced coffees at a local café, Bernie first told her that of course, her marriage was great because she was in love with her Howie. Then she gave Penny a level look and asked what she really wanted to know. Penny told her how she had always dreamed of a fairytale romance, knight in shining armor, white horse and all. Not literally, of course, but she wanted to know how Bernadette had known without a doubt that Howard was "the one". Her friend gently pointed out that while no one knows for sure what the future holds, she felt she really understood Howard and loved him enough to put his best interests ahead of her own.

Penny reflected on her own relationship with Leonard. She had seen him at his best and worst over the past six years, and she still loved him anyway. She also believed that Leonard felt the same way. So she hugged Bernadette and confided her plans for a short engagement. Bernadette agreed with Penny that planning a small, private wedding might help eliminate some of the pre-wedding jitters. After all, she thought her own wedding to Howie had been perfect and romantic with just their closest friends and family members. Penny had been dreaming of a ceremony on the beach since she was a little girl. She had to admit (to herself, at least) that it had been a factor in her decision to move to California.

Leonard was a little surprised when Penny told him she wanted to have a small wedding. It was what he would have preferred anyway though, since he didn't have that many friends, and he'd never been close to any of his family. He couldn't help but feel flattered when she told him she wanted to get married as soon as all the details could be arranged. They talked about living arrangements, and Leonard suggested that Sheldon might be willing to move into Penny's apartment, so Penny could move into the two-bedroom unit with him. Penny grimaced at that idea and suggested Leonard talk to Sheldon. When he asked her why, she just shrugged and said that Sheldon seemed to blame her for the recent upheaval in his life. But the next day, Leonard informed her that Sheldon had been shockingly blasé about switching apartments. He had uncharacteristically agreed without objections and merely drafted up the appropriate documents to transfer the lease to Leonard.

The wedding date was set for the first day of October. The next few weeks passed in a blur of activity. Amy, despite calling dibs on maid of honor, let Penny talk her into sharing the position with Bernadette, and the girls spent days shopping for the perfect dresses. Penny finally decided on a strapless silk gown with an asymmetrical hemline, and her friends would wear the same design in palest blush pink. The reception would be catered by Siam Palace, their favorite Thai restaurant, and Penny ordered two small wedding cakes: one that she said "looked like a fairytale" in airy pink and white, and for Leonard, a dairy-free cake decorated with light sabers and the asymmetrical Star Trek insignia.

Inspired by Penny's idea, Leonard had asked Sheldon, Raj and Howard to all stand up with him as his three "best men". When asked, Raj had cried openly, while Howard turned his back, wiping his eyes while muttering something about a stray eyelash. Sheldon merely acquiesced without comment. Leonard then made arrangements for their honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. Dr. Gablehauser had been gracious in granting academic leave when he heard the reason, and so Leonard had gotten two weeks' vacation. Penny's harried boss at the Cheesecake Factory had granted her request with a terse nod and congratulations, but her co-workers took up a collection for her, which actually got Penny a little choked up.

The day of Penny and Leonard's wedding dawned bright and clear. Both sets of parents had flown in for the occasion, and although Beverly Hofstadter raised an eyebrow at the informal setting, she mercifully kept her comments to herself. The ceremony was simple and sweet. Penny's father escorted her down onto the beach where Leonard stood watery-eyed in front of an ecumenical minister. Bernadette, Amy, Sheldon, Raj and Howard stood facing Penny in a loose circle completed by Penny and Leonard's parents. Amy played and sang the "Diff'rent Strokes" theme song with her harp, and the words, sung in a slower tempo, seemed not too terribly out-of-place at a wedding. Raj read an ancient Indian wedding poem, and then Leonard and Penny exchanged traditional vows. As soon as the minister pronounce them husband and wife, their friends cheered and their parents gathered around to hug the newlyweds and wish them well. Sheldon was even smiling as he congratulated them. Penny whispered in his ear, "So have you forgiven me?"

Sheldon's answer surprised her as he replied, "I can't imagine why I was ever upset in the first place. You and Leonard are my dear friends, and I hope that you are both very happy."

The reception was held in a pavilion set up on the beach. Everyone was having a wonderful time, since the usual tension between family members was smoothed over by copious amounts of champagne and other alcoholic libations from the open bar. During the dancing, Leonard gleefully pointed out to Penny that Amy had somehow persuaded Sheldon to join her on the dance floor. Sheldon was holding Amy's one hand out to the side as if they were waltzing, but she had her other arm wrapped tightly around his torso. They were basically shuffling along to a slow song. Amy looked as though she had won the lottery, while Sheldon had a vague, perhaps dreamy, look on his face. It was a perfect day, Penny thought as she leaned down from her stiletto-enhanced height to kiss her new husband.

A/N: Yes, Leonard's cake was deliberately cringe-worthy because it mixed Star Trek and Star Wars symbols.


	3. Chapter 3

Leonard smiled as he watched his bride sunbathing by the pool of their Caribbean resort. He had never felt this sense of fulfillment before. Every time he looked at Penny with the realization that she was his forever, feelings of blissful contentment washed over him. He hoped that he could finally put his fear of inadequacy and his desperation to be loved behind him. Penny loved him, and she was his future. His reverie was suddenly interrupted as he heard his new wife shriek loudly. She leaped up from her lounge chair, hand over her mouth and looked around frantically. Leonard's heart sank as he rushed to her side.

"Baby, what's wrong?" he asked.

"Holy crap on a cracker," she said, staring at him with a stunned expression. "I think the world's going to come to an end."

"What? I don't understand. What happened?" Leonard asked in growing panic.

"Sheldon slept with Amy. They had sex. I can't believe it. Is the sky falling yet?" Penny shoved her cell phone into Leonard's hands. On the screen was a text from Amy, which began with the letters "OMG" repeated about fifty times.

"Sheldon and I engaged in coitus," Leonard read out loud. "We had intercourse. We consummated our relationship. He… ugh," Leonard broke off, grimacing. "Is she always that graphic?" Then he cast a dubious glance at Penny. "Is there any possibility she could be making it all up? She did that before, remember?"

"No, I don't think so," Penny said slowly. "That was before they were officially in a relationship. Besides, I don't think Amy would send me a prank text while I'm on my honeymoon. We told everyone not to contact us unless it was an emergency. I guess this sort of qualifies."

Leonard shook his head in disbelief. "You know, he has been acting pretty weird lately. He didn't get upset when I asked him to move into your old apartment. He went barefoot on the beach at our wedding without any complaints about hypodermic needles or dog feces. We even saw him dancing with Amy at the reception. At first, I was just so grateful to not have to deal with his hissy fits that I never even wondered why he was being so… reasonable. But maybe some hanky-panky with Amy mellowed him out."

Penny punched Leonard's arm. "Gross," she complained. "What if something really awful happened to Sheldon and it pushed him over the edge, and we didn't even notice because we were so busy with our wedding?"

Leonard pushed his glasses up on his nose and sighed. "Look, this is our honeymoon, and I really don't want to spend it discussing somebody else's sex life, especially if that somebody is Sheldon. Call Amy or Sheldon if you want, but I don't think there's anything to worry about. Even if something was wrong, you can't do anything about it from here. I'm going swimming now, and I hope you'll join me soon." With that, Leonard stalked off toward the pool, pouting.

Penny watched him storm off, giving in to a very immature urge and making a face at his back before pulling out her phone and dialing Amy's number. She didn't care what Leonard said; every nerve in her body was jangling with tension. Something was wrong, she was sure of it. Amy answered her phone on the first ring and started screeching with delight. Penny held the phone away from her ear until Amy got herself under control. Alarm bells were still ringing in Penny's head as she asked Amy how their relationship had jumped forward to this point so quickly. Amy admitted that she was baffled, but she wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

She explained that Sheldon had simply show up at her apartment a few days after the wedding and announced that he wished to engage in coitus with her. Penny carefully asked Amy if she had noticed anything unusual about Sheldon's recent behavior. Amy replied that unfortunately, she had been distracted by the excitement of being a maid of honor. Then she added thoughtfully that Sheldon had seemed different the previous evening—preoccupied or lost in thought. Penny ended the conversation before Amy could relate too many details of her encounter, but Amy did manage to squeeze in the fact that so far, Gerald her toothbrush was more exciting. Penny reassured her that sex would get better with practice, and hung up.

She felt restless and dissatisfied. Something was still bothering her about the way Sheldon was acting, but as Leonard said, there was little she could do about it from where she was. She debated with herself for a few minutes before deciding to call Sheldon, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Defeated, she determined to try to put it out of her mind for a while. She still had eight days left to enjoy her tropical vacation.

******

Penny set her suitcase down with a thud and looked around her new abode in dismay. The wedding had been thrown together so quickly that she had had little time to unpack. Now, stacks of cardboard boxes were piled haphazardly throughout the two-bedroom apartment. She knew that the contents of the cartons were in similar disarray; organization was hardly her strong suit. She and Leonard had planned an informal get-together with their friends that evening at apartment 4A as usual. However, as Penny gazed around at the mess, she decided that they should all go out somewhere instead. She started emptying her suitcase, dumping the contents directly into a laundry basket. Just the thought of doing laundry reminded her of Sheldon, and a quick glance at her phone showed her that it was almost six o'clock on Saturday evening. Since they were all getting together later that night, Penny hoped she could persuade him to start laundry early, just this once.

She balanced her basket on one hip and headed across the hall. It was decidedly odd to be knocking on the door that had been hers just a few weeks ago. Unconsciously, she knocked three times and called Sheldon's name before she realized that she was imitating his signature knock. She omitted the triple repeat and stood waiting in the silence. After a few more raps on the door, Penny decided he must not be home. Maybe he was over at Amy's, she thought and quelled the desire to fetch the spare key to her former apartment to check. Instead, she headed down to the basement laundry room with a sigh. Things were changing too quickly, and she couldn't help but feel like she was partly to blame.

Leonard had gone out for a quick run to the grocery store, and Penny was returning with her clean clothing just as he was putting the groceries away. When he heard that she wanted to go out, he seconded her idea. So Penny texted the change of plans to Amy and Bernadette while Leonard texted Raj, Howard and Sheldon.

At the restaurant, Penny was surprised to see Amy walk in by herself. "Hey, where's Sheldon?" Penny asked her.

"I don't know," was the terse reply.

Penny took a closer look at her friend's face and realized that something was amiss. "Amy, what happened? Did you have a fight with Sheldon?"

"I really don't want to talk about it here," Amy replied, her gaze taking in the rest of the gang seated around the table.

"Okay, we'll talk later," Penny promised, giving Amy's arm a reassuring squeeze before they both sat down at the table.

When the rest of the friends understood that Sheldon wasn't joining them, there was an awkward silence paired with a few speculative looks towards Amy. Then Raj quickly asked an innocuous question about the weather in the Caribbean, and both Penny and Amy felt grateful to him for changing the subject.

After dinner, Penny and Bernadette took Amy out for drinks, sure that once they could get Amy to open up, they would be able to help her solve her relationship problems. Unfortunately, Amy couldn't tell them much. After she had spent the night with Sheldon, he hadn't called or texted her the next day. This wasn't too unusual, since they all knew how much Sheldon loved to follow his schedule. But when Sheldon didn't video chat with Amy on their usual night, she started to worry. She tried calling, texting, and sending emails until she finally got a very brief response from him via text. It said simply that he needed time to think and process the change in their relationship and asked that Amy cease her efforts to contact him until further notice. Penny was livid when she heard that.

"He can't just brush you off like that!" she exclaimed angrily. "Look, Amy, we all know that Sheldon doesn't deal with change very well, but you deserve better!"

"That's right, Amy," Bernadette chimed in. "Come on, girls, I know what we're going to do. We're going to march over to Sheldon's apartment, drag him out of bed, and make him apologize."

Amy had been too shy to force a confrontation with her negligent boyfriend by herself, but as she listened to Penny and Bernadette, she felt indignation rising within her. She was convinced she did deserve better treatment from Sheldon, and she was going to make him behave. So the three women took a taxi over to 2311 Los Robles. Penny decided that now was the time to use the spare key she had for Sheldon's apartment. Visions of Sheldon fleeing down the fire escape made her decide to use the element of surprise. As Penny quietly opened the door and looked around, the apartment seemed to be empty. She turned on the lights, illuminating the living area.

"Holy crap on a cracker… what on earth is he up to?" Penny wondered, staring wide-eyed at dozens of whiteboards around the room. The boards were standing on easels, mounted on the wall, leaning against the wall, and even lying flat on the floor. Amy peeked into the bedroom and confirmed her worst fears; Sheldon wasn't there. What she did find, however, was a neatly folded piece of paper lying in the exact center of the bed. It was addressed to her. She opened it and scanned the contents. Then she gasped and the letter slid from her numbed fingers to drift to the floor. Bernadette ran over to hug Amy and ask her what was wrong. Amy pointed mutely at the letter. Bernadette read it, then passed it to Penny, her lips drawn tight in a forbidding expression.

In bewilderment, Penny read the short missive. It read:

Dear Amy,

For the past two years, five months and eighteen days, I have attempted to satisfy your needs in this relationship. It seemed to be what everyone expected of me, to have a normal relationship with a girlfriend. I have done everything I could to give you what you wanted, but I have come to the realization that I have given away too much of myself. Through no fault of yours, our act of physical intimacy was the last straw that made me realize that I can never love you the way you wish to be loved. I can't continue to lose myself in an attempt to make someone else happy, not even for someone I care about. I also regret to inform you that while I engaged in coitus with you to form a closer bond between us, I found the act distasteful in the extreme and have no desire to repeat it with you or anyone else. Please find someone else, Amy, someone who is capable of making you happy. I cannot be that person.

P.S. I am going away for a while. Please do not try to contact me.

Sincerely, Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D.


	4. Chapter 4

By the time the girls found the note, it was too late at night to call Sheldon's mother, but Bernadette and Amy agreed with Penny that Sheldon had most likely fled to Texas. Amy accepted Bernie's offer to spend the night at her place so she wouldn't have to be alone. Penny's mind was awhirl. She had started out being furious with Sheldon, but now she realized that something must be really wrong for him to act this way. She had suspected that something wasn't right ever since she had gotten Amy's text while on her honeymoon.

When she told Leonard that Sheldon had gone missing, he decided to go across the hall to see if he could decipher any clues from Sheldon's scribblings. He returned quickly with a stunned expression on his face. "I couldn't make heads or tails of half of it," he told Penny. "Either he's gone completely off the deep end, or he's on the verge of a major breakthrough." Penny said nothing, but she feared the former was closer to the truth.

The next morning, Penny headed over to Bernie and Howard's apartment before Leonard was even awake. The women had agreed to call Sheldon's mom over speaker phone the minute it turned nine AM in east Texas. Unfortunately for Penny, that meant she had to arrive at the Rostenkowski-Wolowitz abode before the ungodly hour of seven AM. She silently cursed Sheldon as she drove blearily across town in the pre-dawn grayness.

Mary Cooper was unsurprised to hear from them. "I told that boy he should talk to his friends before he up and left, but why should he listen to me? I'm just his mother," she commented drily.

"So you know where Sheldon is?" Amy asked eagerly.

"I'm sorry, Amy," Mary replied after a long pause. "I'm afraid he's gone to Germany."

"Why would he go there?" Bernadette cut in with her girlish voice.

"Well, he's moved there, dear," Sheldon's mother explained reluctantly, her voice full of regret.

"What?" Penny cried, outraged with Sheldon all over again.

Mary explained that Sheldon believed that his latest equations were about to prove string theory. Looking for a place to work free of distractions, he had contacted his former advisor and mentor, Dr. Karl Reinhart at the University of Berlin. One look at Sheldon's calculations had immediately convinced Dr. Reinhart, and he had arranged post-doctoral research grants for Sheldon so he could continue his work under the aegis of the University of Berlin. Dr. Gablehauser was going to be furious when he found out that Sheldon had defected. Mary went on to explain that Sheldon's grants allowed him to work in Germany for at least a year, with the option to extend them if needed.

The girls finally thanked Mrs. Cooper and ended the call, feeling shocked and saddened.

"So what do you want to do now, Amy?" Bernadette asked sympathetically.

"I-I don't know," Amy faltered. "I just don't understand. Was it something I did?"

"Of course not," Penny declared fiercely. "Ames, this was not your fault. You were the most supportive girlfriend Sheldon could ever have. Maybe he's just… broken," she finished quietly.

"Go home and get some rest. You need time to give yourself time to think before you make your next move, whatever that is," Bernie advised. The three women hugged, and the impromptu council of ladies was ended.

After taking a week to consider, Amy decided to book a flight to Germany to go talk to Sheldon. She had tried to contact him by various electronic means after she decided to fight for their relationship, but her erstwhile boyfriend remained stubbornly silent. Bernadette and Penny drove her to the airport, outwardly positive but inwardly apprehensive. So far, Sheldon hadn't responded to anyone's calls or texts. Penny vacillated between feeling angry at him, worried for him, and hurt that he had cut off all of his friends—even her, his closest female friend.

Amy returned four days later, alone and dejected. Sheldon had talked to her, but he had seemed distant and distracted. He repeated the same sentiments he had already expressed in his parting letter. He said he truly hoped she could find someone else, but he was completely adamant about not resuming their relationship. Physics was the only love affair he needed, he had proclaimed. Amy had argued, pleaded, yelled and cried, all to no avail. Finally, she gave up in disgust and came home. Penny was privately relieved that Amy had gotten angry with Sheldon. Maybe now she could get over her misery and move on.

A few months passed with still no communication from Sheldon. Amy decided to start dating again. She had gone out a few times with Stuart and was now dating a pathologist. Howard and Leonard continued their research projects, trying to leverage their connection to Stephen Hawking in any way they could. Things had also worked out better for Raj than he had dared to expect. After Sheldon had moved, he had contacted Gablehauser and offered to give Caltech some portion of credit should his research pan out. His one condition was that Raj be offered another position within Caltech. Gablehauser, who was no fool and had heard about Sheldon's latest research, agreed immediately.

Still more time passed, and the group adapted to functioning without Sheldon. One day, as Penny was getting ready for her next shift at the Cheesecake Factory, her laptop warbled at her. It was Sheldon, requesting to Skype with her. She accepted and fought down the butterflies in her stomach. As soon as she saw him, she noticed immediately that he looked haggard and thin.

"Are you going to yell at me?" he asked hesitantly.

All her anger had long since disappeared, replaced by a dull ache and leaden disappointment. "No, Sheldon, I'm not going to yell at you," she said. "I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm just hurt that you stopped talking to all of your friends."

"I know, Penny, and… I apologize."

She gawked at him, speechless. The only other time Sheldon had apologized to her was when his mother had coerced him.

"Sweetie, why did you really leave? What happened between you and Amy?" Penny asked after she had regained her composure.

He frowned and bit his lip thoughtfully before launching into his explanation. "About three years ago, I began to notice that my formerly single friends were beginning to pair off. I attempted to form new friendships, but they proved unsatisfactory. So I sought to create a new relationship paradigm with Amy. I wanted her to be a friend who would spend time with me under the fictitious guise of a romantic relationship. But as time passed, Amy was no longer satisfied with an ersatz liaison. I could see that if I lost her friendship, I might end up totally alienated from people. Rather to my disgust, that thought no longer appealed to me as it once did. You changed me, Penny… you and Leonard and Howard and Raj."

"I became convinced that if I could conquer my mysophobia and give Amy the physical intimacy she desired, I could not only cement her affections but continue to associate with my friends in their new 'couples' paradigm. When you and Leonard became engaged, I experienced a profound sense of loss, believing that my phobias may have caused me to procrastinate too long. That loneliness and fear was enough to compel me to take rather drastic steps. I went to my doctor and explained the situation to him, and he prescribed a rather potent anti-depressant to help me get over my fear of intimacy."

He paused, his eyes roaming around the room as if he could not bear to make eye contact with Penny any longer. "I should have listened to my mother when she made me promise not to do drugs. It was an experiment that I should never have attempted, an erroneous action based on faulty premises. In doing so, I hurt Amy deeply, and I am now convinced that I simply do not have the temperament for a romantic relationship. I have also seriously considered the idea that I may actually be asexual, since coitus with Amy was such an unpleasant experience."

Penny listened, her heart breaking for her friend. She had no idea that they had made him feel left out. He had seemed to prefer it that way so many times that she had simply stopped thinking about it. The changes in him had been so gradual that she hadn't even noticed. It was her turn to apologize, and she did so with tears in her eyes.

"Will you come home now… please?" she asked him brokenly. The obstinate look on his face was answer enough.

"Sheldon, we all love you, and we miss you. Dammit, you just said it—you need your friends. Why are you being so stubborn?" A note of frustration crept into Penny's voice.

"I'm on the verge of an extraordinary breakthrough, Penny, one which may change our understanding of the universe itself," he said. "As much as I miss you, and the others, I can't pass up this opportunity. It may be my last hope for a Nobel Prize."

At his words, Penny felt a wave of something like homesickness (Sheldon-sickness, her subconscious suggested). She missed his quirky ways terribly. Sheldon had been the only member of the group whose self-confidence matched his intellect, and without him, the group was beginning to lose it cohesiveness.

Penny leveled a hard stare at the monitor. "All right, finish your research. But if I don't hear from you at least once a week, I'm going to have to hop on a plane to Germany to go all junior rodeo on your ass. And if you think I'm scary in California time, just wait 'til you see me jetlagged twelve hours."

Sheldon opened his mouth to correct Penny that Berlin was nine hours off from Pacific Standard Time, but then he thought about what she had just threatened and reconsidered. He dutifully promised to contact her in one week.


	5. Chapter 5

One year later:

Penny was driving to work at the Cheesecake Factory when she got the call from Raj. He was babbling almost incoherently, but when Penny heard the words "Sheldon" and "Nobel", she slammed on the brakes, almost causing an accident. She and Raj shrieked excitedly at each other over the phone for a few more minutes. As she ended the conversation, Penny executed a highly illegal U-turn across four lanes of traffic to head for the university.

To hell with work, she thought, I'll just call in sick.

She burst into her husband's lab. "Holy crap, Leonard, did you hear?" she panted, out of breath from running down the hallway.

Leonard straightened up from the laser on his granite countertop. "What, the news about Sheldon? Yeah, I heard," he answered in a flat voice.

"But… aren't you excited?" Penny asked, her voice trailing off in confusion.

"Excited? Excited?" Leonard mocked. "Why should I be excited when that Nobel should have been mine? I'm the one whose research earned me a place on the Stephen Hawking scientific expedition. I'm the one who should be getting all the glory and the accolades."

"But we've always known that Sheldon is, like, smarter than all the rest of us combined," she protested. "Didn't you kind of figure that he was the only one who might actually be able to pull it off?"

"Oh, sure, rub it in," Leonard snarled. "If you think he's smarter than me, why didn't you marry him?"

"Because, one, I love you; and two, that's crazy," she replied in annoyance. "Leonard, why are you acting like you're jealous? Sheldon's your best friend."

"Yeah well, with him gone, I was finally getting to make a name for myself, out from under his shadow."

"Look, honey, who knows, your work might win you a Nobel too someday, but for now, something amazing has happened to your best friend. Can't you be happy for him?" Penny pleaded

"He's not my best friend, not anymore," Leonard snapped. "Maybe he's yours, though. You're the one who spends so much time Skyping with him."

"You could too, you know," the blonde retorted angrily. "I know he left, and we were all mad about the way he handled things, but you were the one who just let your friendship fall apart. I know he tried to contact you. Why wouldn't you talk to him?"

"I don't have time for people who betray me," he scoffed.

"Betray... Leonard, are you listening to yourself? You're completely out of line. I'm going to go find Raj. He's the one who called me first, although it should have been you. I hope when I see you tonight, you'll have gotten over this stupid bad attitude." And with that, Penny exited the lab, slamming the door behind her.

As it turned out, Sheldon had not actually been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Physics—not yet, anyway. But his research, of which Penny couldn't begin to make heads or tails even with Raj's brief explanation, was so ground-breaking that it was going to be featured on the cover of almost every major scientific magazine. Raj was certain his friend was going to win the Nobel. At least with Raj, Penny could express her excitement at Sheldon's accomplishment. The two of them squealed and jumped around like a couple of middle-school girls. But when Penny told him about Leonard's reaction, Raj shook his head sadly.

"Something's changed in him, Penny. Ever since he got back from that Hawking expedition… no, even further than that… I think it started when he sabotaged Sheldon's work at the North Pole."

"Sabotage? What do you mean?" the waitress asked, startled.

"Sheldon was driving us all crazy, but it was Leonard who had the idea to use the can opener to simulate positive results for Sheldon's experiment. Leonard could hardly keep the smirk off his face when Sheldon emailed the whole university that he had proven string theory. On the trip back, he told me he thought it was time someone put Sheldon in his place. I think he's resented Sheldon's brilliance for a long time."

Penny sighed. "I really don't know what I can do to help Leonard. I believe in him, and I know he's brilliant too, but the odds of his winning a Nobel are probably about the same as my winning an Oscar."

Raj nodded, looking concerned. "Just give it time, Penny. Maybe he'll come around."

******

 

The next time Sheldon Skyped with Penny, he had a surprise for her.

"Penny, I want you and Leonard to attend the award ceremony in Stockholm. I'll pay for all your traveling expenses. I've invited Howard, Bernadette, and Raj as well."

Penny gasped when she heard his request, but then her face fell. "What about Amy?" she asked softly.

He shook his head, looking away. "I haven't communicated with her since shortly after I arrived in Germany. Dr. Reinhardt said it was best if I let her move on with her life."

"I still talk to her sometimes," Penny said quietly. "She's engaged now; did you hear? She starting dating a psychologist, and he's done her a world of good. She's worked through a lot of her issues. I really think she's in a much better place now, emotionally."

"The next time you see her, will you tell her... I'm sorry I hurt her?" Sheldon asked.

Penny was surprised to hear him say that. He really must have changed while he was overseas. She hoped his transformation was also for the better, although she still worried about him.

"I'll tell her," Penny promised. "As for seeing you finally win your Nobel Prize, sweetie, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

After her conversation with Sheldon, Penny was feeling a bit apprehensive about how her husband would react. She vividly recalled how jealous he had been of Sheldon's success. However, Leonard seemed to have gotten over his jealousy and even claimed he was looking forward to reconnecting with Sheldon. Penny breathed a sigh of relief and turned her attention to the next big issue: what to wear to a Nobel Prize awards ceremony.

Three weeks later, Penny, Leonard and Raj's flight landed at the Stockholm Arlanda airport. They found Sheldon was waiting for them just beyond the baggage claim area. As soon as she spotted him, Penny squealed and rushed over to him.

"Look at you! You look so grown up!" Penny cried. She examined Sheldon's new look carefully. He still looked rather drawn and pale, and there were fine lines around his eyes and mouth. He sported the beginnings of a Van Dyke goatee, similar to the one he had grown in the Arctic. Gone were his double-layered t-shirts and plaid pants. Instead, he wore a sports jacket and button-down shirt with khakis. She hugged him and kissed him on the cheek before she remembered how much he used to hate that. But he didn't comment or pull away. He shook hands with Leonard, and would have done the same with Raj, but instead Raj hugged him too, looking teary-eyed.

"Howard and Bernadette are flying in tomorrow," Leonard said to Sheldon. Sheldon nodded and said that they had already informed him.

Three jaws dropped when Sheldon led them to a waiting car and then proceeded to position himself behind the driver's wheel.

"Holy crap, Sheldon, when did you learn how to drive?" Penny exclaimed.

He explained that the superior courtesy of German drivers and the excellence of their automobile safety features had allowed him to feel less nervous about operating a motor vehicle. Penny still thought he drove like an old lady, though, and her brain stuttered to a halt trying to imagine Sheldon creeping along at a snail's pace on the Autobahn.

 

The Nobel Prize awards ceremony should have been the moment of Sheldon's dreams. The idea of his genius finally gaining the recognition he deserved had sustained him for many years, through all the mocking of his peers, his parents questioning his sanity and bullying from lesser minds. Instead, as his eyes wandered over the crowd full of dignitaries and the academic elite, his focus was drawn to Penny and Leonard. They were sitting close together, and Penny had her hand on Leonard's arm. For the first time in his life, Sheldon began to feel like he had overlooked something important. He accepted his medal and read the speech he had prepared. Although his gaze wandered from his mother's beaming smile to his friends' awed faces, he kept coming back to the way Penny held Leonard's arm and the tender light in her hazel eyes. After he left the stage, his mother and friends were waiting for him. He tolerated his mother's hug, although he smiled fondly at her. When Penny hugged him, he surprised himself by pulling her in close and holding her tightly for just the briefest of moments. As more people crowded round to congratulate him, he imagined he could still smell the green apple shampoo Penny always used.


	6. Chapter 6

After winning the Nobel, it soon became apparent that Sheldon's life was irrevocably changed. He was beleaguered with job offers, research grants and requests for interviews and lectures. It seemed to him like the world was his oyster. After some thought, he decided that he wanted to move back to the States. Although his time in Germany had been productive, he had used it as a respite from his life. Now having achieved his dreams, he felt confident to go back and confront his past. But before he even left Germany, he found that life wasn't easier as a Nobel Prize laureate. He struggled to interact with the public and hired and fired three assistants in quick succession. Then he had an epiphany. At first, the thought seemed so radical that even he wasn't sure he could make it work. But with little to lose, he turned to the one person he felt had never stopped caring for him.

Penny was taken aback by Sheldon's offer. She had never envisioned herself in the role he proposed, part office assistant and part public relations director. But it made a weird kind of sense. After all, she already knew how he liked his food prepared, and how to strictly adhere to his set schedule. Sheldon was offering not only to hire Penny as his personal assistant, but also to allow her and Leonard to live with him. He had already purchased a gracious home of several thousand square feet on a secluded, tree-lined drive in Pasadena. Of course, he intended to hire someone who would be able to clean to his exacting standards. What he wanted Penny to do was to keep the refrigerator stocked, organize his wardrobe, interact with the media, schedule his interviews, and travel with him as she was able.

Since her acting career had never gotten off the ground, she was free to accept, and Leonard allowed himself to be persuaded to this plan after he saw how beautiful Sheldon's new home was. It even had a backyard. He had been wishing that Penny would quit working and stay home to raise their future children. Although Sheldon wasn't the means by which he had imagined accomplishing this goal, privately he hoped that living in the lovely and expansive home (that he could never have afforded on his salary) would help change her mind. Maybe having Sheldon around would even be useful to his career. He wasn't even jealous of the idea of Penny traveling with Sheldon, as long as it wasn't too often or for too long. After all, by that time, everyone in their little group of friends knew how Sheldon's relationship with Amy had imploded, so Leonard figured it was as safe as if Penny had gone to work for a gay man.

Penny threw herself into her new position with an enthusiasm that amazed everyone, including herself. As time passed, she began to realize that she had never been happier. Her new job was challenging, requiring a lot of mental and emotional effort. At the same time, she was still able to pursue her acting if she wanted, although by this point, she was reluctantly conceding that she may never be a Hollywood starlet. In her work for Sheldon, she got to travel all over the United States and Canada. While Sheldon gave interviews and lectured at symposiums, Penny explored whatever city they were in that day. She found herself absorbing the history and culture of the different places they visited. She didn't notice how Sheldon began to draw her out more and more. He was fascinated by the way her mind was developing and genuinely enjoyed her unique and unorthodox comments.

When they were on tour, evening were always the best time of day. Their usual routine was to lay on their respective beds in the hotel room, eating ice cream or popcorn while they watched some sci-fi series. Afterwards, they liked to discuss the show. Penny never hesitated to tell Sheldon what she did or didn't like, and she enjoyed critiquing the plots and characters. Sometimes, Sheldon even stayed up past his usual bedtime, distracted by his spirited conversations with Penny. She had an intriguing mind, though one he found unpredictable and motivated by emotion rather than logic.

It was only long-ingrained habit that now kept him from betraying his secret feelings for Penny. Ever since he had watched her from the stage in Stockholm, she had occupied his thoughts more and more. But she was married to his best friend—happily married, or at least, not unhappy. He had offered her the job and house out of purely selfish motivations. If he could never explore how he felt, never act on his desires, then at least he could keep her close and see her almost every day. Watching the awakening of her mind was sheer torture for Sheldon, as she grew more and more alluring to him with each passing day. But he had always been good at hiding his feelings, at least with emotions like love, which he used to think lessened a person. So he was able to continue to talk and joke with her like they were merely friends.

Whenever they returned home from a lecture tour, Penny fussed over Leonard. Secretly, she was trying to hide how little she missed him while she was away, and trying to compensate for the guilt that made her feel. They would make love, brief interludes that all too often left Penny unsatisfied, and then invariably, Leonard would start to talk about his work and how he was sure his big break was just around the corner. Penny started to realize that she used to sound exactly like that with her acting career. Ashamedly, she wondered if he had as little chance of realizing his dreams as she'd had of becoming a famous actress.

For two years after he won the Nobel Prize, Sheldon was on tour across the North American continent, lecturing and making public appearances. During that time, Leonard was also traveling more frequently. He was becoming obsessed with his latest research project, which he was conducting in collaboration with a physicist at MIT. Penny began to feel restless. Although she loved her job and the travel it entailed, something was missing from her life, and she often felt lonely without understanding why. One day, she decided to stop taking her birth control pills, a step she discussed with neither Leonard nor Sheldon. Within two months, she was pregnant and secretly hopeful that a baby would fill the emptiness she felt inside.

Both of the men in her life surprised her with their reactions. Leonard had been pleased, of course, but he wasn't nearly as excited as she anticipated. Lately, he had been spending more and more time at MIT, and he was increasingly distracted when he was home. He would stay up late, working on his research, and Penny rarely saw him anymore except those times when he would wake her up in the middle of the night with his hand sliding up under her negligee.

Perhaps she should have expected that Sheldon would become as fussy as a mother hen, but he still had the capacity to astonish her. He hired a nutritionist to prepare meals for Penny when she could hardly keep anything down due to morning sickness. He had the entire house baby-proofed by the time she was four months along, and he was constantly sending her links to articles about pregnancy and pre-natal development, to the point where he was driving her crazy. But he also rubbed her aching feet (while wearing latex gloves) and walked to the convenience store at three in the morning to get her antacids or Red Vines, which she suddenly couldn't get enough of. Sheldon had also shocked her when he declared he was finished with public speaking engagements for the present. He stated that he was going to be spending most of his time at home, writing a book on his proof of string theory.

In the middle of Penny's second trimester, soon after she found out she was expecting a girl, something happened which deeply disturbed Sheldon and marred the delicate balance of their three-person household. He had needed to fly out to New York for a joint meeting with his publisher, agent, and editor about his manuscript. Leonard was away at MIT again. Sheldon hadn't wanted to leave Penny by herself, but she was getting so sick of his hovering that she almost threw a vase at his head and ordered him out of his own home. Although he would never have admitted it, her hormone-fueled mood swings terrified him, so he left with a feeling of almost relief.

Unfortunately once he arrived in New York, he found out his meeting had been postponed. He was self-righteously indignant at being left cooling his heels. If Penny had been there, they could have gone sight-seeing together, but ever since she had announced her pregnancy, his concern for her health had caused him to forbid her to do any more traveling on his behalf.

He saw on Leonard's Facebook page that his friend was attending an inter-departmental mixer at MIT, very similar to the ones they used to attend together at Caltech. With nothing else to do and feeling perhaps a bit uncertain after his latest clash with a pregnant Penny, he decided to rent a car and join Leonard for the evening. In the back of his mind, he thought that his presence, that of a Nobel Prize laureate, might lend prestige to his friend's career.

Although Sheldon had sent a text message informing Leonard of his change of plans, he suspected that Leonard, for some reason, wouldn't really want him there. The diminutive physicist had been reticent about his professional life at MIT. Sheldon decided to be on his best behavior, which meant that he would refrain from telling the other science professors how badly flawed their research and methodology was. Really, he thought to himself, Leonard should appreciate the lengths I'm going to.

When he spotted his housemate in the crowd, Sheldon noticed that there was an attractive woman in a low-cut dress hanging on his arm. The woman leaned close to Leonard and seemed to laugh at something he said. At that point, Sheldon became convinced she was feigning her laughter, since Leonard was notoriously bad at telling jokes. When Leonard saw Sheldon making his way across the room toward them, he paled and pushed the woman's arm off of his dark-jacketed sleeve.

"Sheldon... what the hell are you doing here?" Leonard asked belligerently, his attitude bolstered by the glass of amber liquid he held in his hand.

"I decided to join you this evening. I texted you to inform you of my intentions," Sheldon replied innocently.

Leonard's companion interrupted. "Dr. Allison Werner," she purred, offering her hand. "I recognize you... you're Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I've heard so much about you."

"Not from me, you haven't," Leonard muttered under his breath. "Sheldon, this is Dr. Werner, my partner in my research on n-dimensional quantum gravitational effects."

Leonard watched, feeling more and more disgruntled as Alli made a valiant effort to flirt with Sheldon. He could have told her she was wasting her time. In fact, he would have made a point to do so earlier if he'd had any notion that Sheldon had planned to show up. He couldn't help acting cold toward Sheldon. If Sheldon began to suspect that Leonard and Allison were more than just research associates, Leonard knew he could end up in really hot water with Penny. Fortunately, Sheldon seemed oblivious as usual. He soon drifted off and got involved in a heated debate with a white-haired professor about the merits of string theory versus loop quantum gravity.

What Leonard didn't realize was that Sheldon was far from oblivious. Over the past two years, Penny had been teaching Sheldon a lot about social cues in an attempt to keep him from making embarrassing faux pas. He still had no instinct for social situations, but he had memorized a long list of non-verbal quantifiers (or, as Penny liked to call them, "tells") and their meanings. He knew that the way Dr. Werner was touching Leonard indicated a physically intimate relationship, and the thought sickened him. In fact, he couldn't stand the thought of interacting with Leonard the rest of the evening. He stalked off in a combative mood, soon finding the intellectual fight he was looking for. He tore into his opponent mercilessly, no longer caring how his actions might reflect on Leonard. In fact, he wished he could shred Leonard's current theories with the same derision. The only thing that stopped him was the thought of how Penny might react when she found out, as he was certain Leonard would tattle on him if he chose to publicly criticize his former friend's research.

Sheldon meandered through his meeting with his publishers the next day in a distracted haze. He nodded occasionally with no idea what he was agreeing to, and in truth, it hardly mattered next to the awful realization that Leonard was most likely cheating on Penny. The worst of it was that he felt partly culpable. He had only wanted to help Penny when he offered her the use of his home. Because of Sheldon's generosity, Leonard could afford an apartment near MIT, which enabled him to spend more time away from his wife. The thought still made Sheldon furious, but what could he do? If he asked Leonard to leave, surely Penny would go too. Having Penny move out was the one scenario he would fight against with every means at his disposal.

He had plenty of time to think on the six-hour flight home. The Sheldon of a few years ago would have obsessed over the details of his contract. Today, all he could think about was that blowsy tramp of a physicist laughing and touching Leonard's arm. His sleep last night had been fitful and not at all restive. As much as he wished he could blame his sleeplessness on Leonard, he knew it had nothing to do with his best friend. Then again, if he were honest with himself, it had been quite a while since Leonard deserved the right to that title. No, the reason his thoughts were in turmoil was because of Penny. He was a terrible liar and worse at keeping secrets, but he also had no hard evidence that Leonard had done anything wrong. If he told Penny anything of what he suspected, he knew it would only hurt her feelings. Beyond wishing to keep peace in his home, he couldn't stand the thought of breaking her heart. It pained him that she was so emotionally invested in Leonard, but he had with wrestled with those demons three years ago, and his conclusion still stood. All he could do was to choose to be a part of Penny's life, to be her friend. She had already made her choice, and it wasn't him. It would never be him. He felt a sudden pang in his hands, and looking down he realized he was gripping the seat rests so hard, they left angry red marks on his palms.


	7. Chapter 7

When Sheldon returned home, he started to shut himself away in his office. He was making excellent progress on his book, but he couldn't care less. It would never do to have Penny guess how deeply perturbed he felt, although keeping Leonard's secret was causing him to lose sleep. Late one night, after lying in bed staring at the ceiling for over an hour, he got up and left his bed. He wandered through the house more by feel than sight in the dimness and quietly opened the French doors. He crossed the deck, down the stairs, until he was standing on the lawn. The bedewed grass felt cool on his feet, and he realized dimly that he had left the house barefooted. He couldn't bring himself to care. The awful secret welled its way up his throat, and here in the silence he finally could give voice to it.

"I think Leonard is cheating on you," he said, unconsciously speaking as if he were talking to Penny.

It wasn't enough. He glanced back over his shoulder at the darkened house. The words kept pressing on him. "I don't understand how he could do that to you. All that talk for so many years about how perfect you were and how much he loved you, and he threw it all away for some cheap floozy. How can he not realize how lucky he is to see you looking at him with love in your eyes? I would give anything—" Here his voice broke, and he bowed his head, fighting the lump in his throat and the unfamiliar hot sting (that was not tears) in his eyes.

When he had regained a little control, he continued. "All my life, I ignored people, insulted them, and drove them away. I had no use for people unless they performed some function for me. I wish I knew then what my choices would cost me. I wish it hadn't taken your marriage to Leonard and that horrible night with Amy for me to realize that I love you, Penny. I love you, and instead you chose the one man for whom your love will never be enough."

He was silent then. What else was there to say? He stood on his lawn in the early hours of the morning, listening to the sounds of the night. Finally, a calm stole over him, though one of exhaustion and emptiness rather than true peace. He walked slowly, bent down like an old man as he headed back to his lonely bed.

A pale oval of a face withdrew from the second floor window. Penny had woken up in the middle of the night, feeling like her unborn child was using her bladder as a trampoline again. As she was heading back to bed, she thought she heard a door open and close downstairs. Peeking out of her bedroom window, she saw Sheldon standing out on the lawn in the middle of the night. She watched him with a frown on her face. Ever since Sheldon had come back from his trip to New York, he had been preoccupied and not his usual self. Her intuition told her it had something to do with Leonard. There was no one else that could induce Sheldon to keep secrets from her.

******

Weeks passed, and Penny's stomach swelled while her husband used the impending birth of their child as an excuse to spend as much time as possible away from home. He argued that he would be house-bound for several weeks after their daughter was born, so he needed to concentrate on his research before the birth. One night during one of Leonard's frequent absences, Penny lazed on the sofa, watching TV with Sheldon. She was lying at an angle on the couch, since her stomach was now big enough to obstruct her view. They were watching an episode of Firefly with the commentary turned on. Sheldon, wearing his ubiquitous latex gloves, was massaging her feet, eliciting groans of pleasure from her. Suddenly, she propped herself up on her elbows.

"Did you ever think your life would turn out this way?" she asked abruptly.

He paused the program and looked from her distended belly to his gloved hands. "No, I suppose not," he admitted softly. "But I am less unhappy now than I have ever been before. I've achieved my life's dream of winning the Nobel Prize. I have a home here with you and Leonard. Soon, I will be a beloved surrogate uncle to your daughter, introducing her malleable young mind to the wonders of the universe."

He paused and then smiled, the sweet lopsided smile that always tugged at Penny's heart. "To be honest, I am so content that I'm afraid that if I admit to being happy, something will occur to destroy this fragile serenity."

"I know what you mean," Penny whispered, touching her stomach. The baby kicked as if she also agreed. As Sheldon continued the massage, Penny mused that it was almost like she had two husbands: one to talk to and do fun things with, and one who needed her to look pretty and admire him and bear his children. She was feeling guilty again because she preferred one lifestyle over the other. Truth be told, she'd been having very vivid dreams over the last few months of her pregnancy, and Sheldon appeared frequently in them, doing wicked things to her, things he would never consider in real life. Penny told herself it was only because Leonard was away so often, but the truth was much more complicated. On some level, she was attracted to Sheldon. He was the one who cared for her during her pregnancy, who talked with her instead of over her head as he so easily could have done. He was the one who talked about her baby as a person instead of an extension of himself.

Penny rubbed her bulging abdomen. She had balanced her dinner plate on top of her stomach, and Sheldon didn't know whether to be repulsed or fascinated, especially when he saw the now-empty plate wobble when the baby kicked.

"What do you think I should name her?" Penny asked suddenly. She had been going back and forth over several name choices for weeks, but she hadn't been able to make up her mind yet. Of course, Leonard hated all her choices, and she hated all of his. She'd actually told her husband she would name her daughter Beverly (after his mother—what was he thinking?)over both of their dead bodies.

"I believe that traditionally, the naming of the child is left up to the parents," Sheldon replied warily. He was all too familiar with the wild hormonal swings that Penny had experienced during her pregnancy, and he was loathe to set her off again.

"Of course it's my decision," she snapped. Then she sighed and relented. "You know what I mean, Sheldon. I'm just looking for suggestions. What would you name a little girl?"

He stayed off into the distance for a moment, and then he said so softly that Penny had to lean over to hear him, "Leah."

"What, like Star Wars?" she asked.

He shook his head, not bothering to correct her that the Star Wars character was named Leia, not Leah. "No, like my Meemaw. Her name is Leah."

Penny thought about asking him if he wouldn't rather save that name in case he ever had any children of his own, but decided against it. It had been five years since the "Amy incident", as she thought of it, and in all that time, Sheldon hadn't shown the slightest interest in any other woman.

Aloud, she said, "Leah... that's pretty. And maybe Leonard would like it because it's kind of like his name. How do you think your Meemaw would feel about having a namesake?"

A sharp pang of longing struck Sheldon as he looked at Penny, wishing he could hold her and tell her how amazing she was. Wishing the child she carried was his.

"I think she would be honored," he replied softly.

******

As Penny began her thirty-eighth week of pregnancy, Leonard came home to stay until after the baby was born. Penny could tell that he was chafing to get back to his research, though. He thought he was close to an important break-through, and his tension clearly illustrated to Penny where his priorities really lay. Sheldon had retreated into his suite of rooms after Leonard snapped at him for playing Mozart to Penny's abdomen and sneaking up behind her to span her stomach with a flexible tape measure. Leonard thought his old roommate was just acting crazy again. He had no idea how deep Sheldon's feelings had become for Penny.

Penny's water broke four days before her due date, shortly after midnight. Her overnight hospital bag had been packed for over two months, and in fact, there was also a backup bag and a secondary backup as well. If Leonard had been paying attention, he would have realized from the precisely folded garments that it had been Sheldon, not Penny, who had prepared the bags.

Sheldon hovered nearby, face drained of color, as Leonard helped Penny down the half-flight of stairs into the garage. He tried hard to remind himself that she would be getting excellent medical care, that the hospital was the best in the region, and that mothers rarely died in childbirth anymore. But that logic wasn't doing much to calm his fears.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked Leonard in a low voice.

Leonard shrugged. "It's her first baby, so it'll probably take a while. You can call our friends later, once it's not the middle of the night." There was a stifled groan from Penny, and both men's heads turned toward the sound.

"I'd better go," Leonard said. "I'll keep you posted."

After they left, Sheldon paced around the house. Clearly, he was not going back to sleep. He wondered if Penny was in pain. He hoped she had decided on the epidural as he didn't want her suffering for the sake of Leonard's child. Now that Penny was in labor, Sheldon found himself all too willing to blame Leonard for what she was going through, completely ignoring the fact that it had been her choice, and hers alone, to go off birth control. After a little over an hour, Sheldon couldn't take it anymore. He got dressed and drove himself to the hospital, where he ensconced himself in the maternity area's waiting room. His actions were completely illogical. He knew it, yet was unable to resist the urge to be closer to her, as if his presence would somehow be of use if anything went wrong.

Sheldon dozed off a couple of times in one of the hard plastic chairs. Every time he jerked awake, he checked the time, wondering how Penny was doing and hoping that the labor was progressing well. It was close to nine in the morning when he finally got a text from Leonard. He had been copied on a group message that Leonard seemed to have sent to about fifty people. It read: Leah Marie Hofstadter was born this morning at 8:17 a.m., weighing 7 lb., 5 oz. and 20 in. long. Mother and baby are both doing fine.

Sheldon leaped up from his chair. His first instinct was to run down the hallway and verify with his own eyes that Penny was all right. But a more rational voice inside his head argued that if he gave in to his instinct, Leonard would become suspicious. How could he explain how he had arrived at the hospital so quickly after the text was sent? After pacing for a few moments, Sheldon had the brilliant idea to go visit the hospital gift shop. There he purchased a dozen pink roses for Penny in honor of her new baby girl and a small pink teddy bear as a token gift for Leah, since it would probably be months before she would be able to play with it.

Sheldon entered the maternity room at a carefully calculated eighteen minutes after receiving Leonard's text. His eyes were drawn immediately to Penny's face as he entered quietly, clutching the flowers and stuffed animal. He almost overlooked baby Leah, who was swaddled in a blanket and tiny knit cap and lying in Penny's arms. Penny smiled in welcome when she saw the tentative expression on his face.

"Come on in, sweetie," she said, wincing as she tried to prop herself up in bed. "Leonard will be right back. He just stepped out to get some coffee."

"How are you feeling, Penny?" he asked, placing the vase of flowers in the exact center of a nearby table.

"Honestly? Like I got run over by an eighteen wheeler, but I'll survive," she said with a tired smile.

"Penny, you are without doubt one of the most resilient people I know, a trait which I believe will equip you to be an excellent mother," he replied.

She beamed, eyes glimmering with unshed tears. "Thank you, sweetie. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me. Would you like to hold her?"

Sheldon approached and seated himself in a rocking chair next to Penny's hospital bed. He took the tiny bundle gingerly from Penny and marveled at the delicate fingers with their miniature translucent fingernails.

"She smells like baby powder," he mused. "I thought I read that hospitals no longer use powders or fragrances in neo-natal units. Are you sure she's getting the best of care?" he demanded.

Penny could see he was starting to get himself worked up. "Relax, Sheldon, they didn't put anything on her. In fact, they only washed her off with a little water. That's just the way that babies naturally smell."

He looked startled, and brought his nose down to the downy head, taking a confirming sniff. "Amazing," he said quietly. "It's one of the most appealing scents I have ever encountered."

Just then, Leonard re-entered the room, two coffees in hand. He offered one to Penny, but she declined. Despite having just gone through the exhausting ordeal of labor, she felt oddly alert. Sheldon gently handed Leah back to Penny, shook Leonard's hand, and reluctantly left the new family alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Leah was three weeks old when Leonard decided to go back to Massachusetts. His research was at a critical juncture and, as he told Penny, so far Leah didn't do much except eat and sleep. Penny wasn't convinced about the sleeping part. Leah had developed colic, which seemed to be medical shorthand for "some babies cry a lot." There were moments when Penny felt guilty for how much Leah must be disturbing Sheldon, who hadn't signed up for any of this.

She suspected that part of Leonard's eagerness to leave was so he could get a solid eight hours sleep, and she tried hard not to resent him for it. Since they didn't pay Sheldon much in rent, Leonard had purchased a condo near MIT last year. Penny sometimes wondered about that decision. She knew his co-worker was a woman, but she had never met Dr. Werner. Leonard didn't talk about her very much, which sometimes made Penny suspicious that he wasn't being faithful. Ultimately, though, she had no proof, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know if he was cheating on her. All that talk about her being the love of his life hadn't amounted to much so far.

Penny cried after Leonard left, although her reasons were fairly selfish. She didn't want to be stuck dealing with a colicky newborn by herself. The little bugger was too young to smile, and Penny felt none of the magical connection parents were supposed to feel the moment they laid eyes on their baby. The truth was, she was so exhausted she sometimes wondered if she was holding Leah too tightly, afraid that if she relaxed her guard, she might drop her child. She was so exhausted that sometimes she wondered if it was possible to fall asleep standing upright.

One morning, not too long after Leonard had left, Penny acted on her desperation and decided to ask Sheldon to baby-sit. He was in his office, working on his book, and he could hear them approaching because Leah was crying again. Penny appeared in the doorway, holding a red-faced, screaming baby. "Hey, Sheldon, I really need a favor," she said tiredly.

"If it has anything to do with that caterwauling child..." he began in distaste.

"Please, can you just keep an eye on her for a few minutes while I take a shower?" she begged.

He sighed and closed his laptop reluctantly. "Does 'keeping an eye on her' involve picking her up or changing her diaper?"

"No, it's just that she's just been crying for hours. I haven't had a shower in two days, but I don't want to leave her alone when she's upset," Penny said, raising her voice above the crying.

"I'm sure she would be perfectly safe in her crib," Sheldon argued.

"That's not the issue," Penny said, looking distressed. "I don't want her to think that I don't love her or that I abandoned her."

Sheldon considered this. "Leah is far too young to have grasped the concept of object permanence. You are actually correct about her perception of abandonment. When you walk away from her, from her perspective you cease to exist."

Penny gasped. "Now you're making me feel worse."

With another sigh, he walked over to the two of them and awkwardly reached for Leah. Penny couldn't suppress her relieved giggle as Sheldon attempted to hold the baby without actually having her touch his torso. She pushed Leah in close to Sheldon's chest and then removed a cloth from her shoulder and draped it over his.

"What is that?" he asked, staring at the cloth in horror, but afraid to move.

"It's in case she spits up," she said, trying hard not to smile. "Don't worry, I promise I'll wash your shirt if she pukes all over you."

"You know very well that I would never trust you to launder any garment of mine correctly," Sheldon retorted without much heat.

"You are one serious whackadoodle, and I love you for this," Penny replied, blowing both of them a kiss as she left to take her shower.

Leah continued to wail as Sheldon stood there, looking down at her with a puzzled frown on his face. After a moment, he strode back to his desk and opened his laptop. Sitting down, he carefully cradled the baby in one arm while he typed in his search term one-handed.

As soon as Penny got out of the shower, she knew something was different, but it took her sleep-deprived brain a few moments to work it out. The house was silent, and it wasn't time for Leah's nap yet. Feeling an odd sense of guilt and uselessness, she toweled off quickly and got dressed.

She found Sheldon right where she left him. To her amazement, Leah was awake and calm, gazing wide-eyed at Sheldon as he sang her "Soft Kitty." It was just too precious. She pulled out her smart phone (nothing but the best for the assistant of a Nobel Prize laureate) and began recording a video. As he finished the song, Sheldon looked over at her. He didn't seem surprised to find her standing in the doorway, but then he always did have super-sharp hearing.

"I don't believe it," she whispered. "She's been crying for days. What did you do?"

"I researched the problem online, of course," he replied, as if the answer were obvious. "Most pediatricians now advocate a system which is designed to imitate the conditions experienced by the infant in utero. The first step is swaddling." He indicated the flannel blanket wrapped around Leah. "It simulates the close conditions of the womb. Next is to place the infant on a slight incline with her head facing down, assuming she hasn't eaten recently. Then you rock her gently side to side and provide a source of white noise which replicates the sound of her mother's blood rushing through the blood vessels surrounding the placenta. An unsavory thought, perhaps, but the combination of these factors is comforting to a newborn."

"I certainly can't argue with your results. I think you really do have working knowledge of everything," Penny said softly. To her chagrin, she felt tears brimming in her eyes. She had hoped her overly-emotional state would subside after the baby was born, but no luck so far. She hated crying. It made her feel so weak and vulnerable. Combined with her exhaustion and her flabby post-partum body, she was actually feeling worse than when she was pregnant.

Sheldon looked up at her in a panic when he heard her sniffling again. He never knew what to do when she cried, but something deep down inside of him urged him to do something, anything, to make her happy again.

"I imagine that it is quite a relief to be able to take a shower without worrying about your daughter," he ventured. She nodded her agreement. "In that case, I would be willing to watch Leah again under the same circumstances."

"Really?" she cried, a huge smile breaking over her face. Beaming, she came toward him, and he watched her with a sense of nervous anticipation. She looked like she might hug him, but at the last moment, she swooped down and kissed Leah on the forehead instead. She took the baby out of his arms and said eagerly, "Now show me exactly what you did to make her stop crying."

That day marked a new chapter in Sheldon's relationship with Penny. He began suggesting outings on which they could take Leah. At first, he didn't really care about the infant. He was just trying to recapture some of the idyllic times he had spent with Penny before her daughter was born. But as he spent more time with the two of them, he began to take an interest in the child for her own sake. It was fascinating to watch her personality emerge. When he was alone with baby Leah (usually when Penny handed her off to take a shower or go running), he even practiced smiling at her. Maybe at her stage of development, her toothless smiles were supposed to be merely a reflex, but he had his doubts. She was a very intelligent child, after all; he was sure of it. With her uncle Sheldon's guidance, one day she might even become a Nobel laureate too.

*****

One day when Leah was almost three months old, Leonard cornered Sheldon in his office.

"Hey, buddy, we need to talk," Leonard said with an odd inflection in his voice.

Sheldon was surprised and a little wary. He and Leonard rarely interacted in conversation any more, especially with Leonard's increasing absences. If the way Leonard said the word "buddy" was any indication, perhaps it was because he thought he was superior to Sheldon. He sounded like he was talking to a small child or maybe a dog. Thinking back, Sheldon realized that Leonard had always used that exact same tone of voice with him when he wanted something.

"What do you wish to talk about?" Sheldon asked, unwilling to tacitly confirm Leonard's assertion that they "needed" to talk. More than likely, Leonard wanted to talk at him.

"It's about Penny," Leonard began in a wheedling tone. "You see, she's been spending a lot of time with you lately. I mean, it's great that you don't mind being around Leah, but Penny's my wife. You see what I'm getting at here?"

Sheldon was all too certain that he did, but he told Leonard to be more specific.

"Well, you and Penny have always had this... weird closeness, and since lately our marriage has hit a rough spot, it would help if you could just back off a little," Leonard said.

"Do you believe that my behavior toward Penny is inappropriate in any way?" Sheldon asked severely.

"No, not really..." Leonard said slowly.

"Then is it Penny's actions with which you take issue?" Sheldon pressed.

"Not exactly, but..."

"Leonard, I am not the fool you think I am, nor am I the social ignoramus I once was. The problem is not with either myself or Penny; the problem lies with your own actions," Sheldon said heatedly.

"You've got a lot of nerve—" Leonard began angrily.

"Dr. Allison Werner," Sheldon said, and instantly Leonard tensed up.

"What do you mean?" he asked warily.

"I believe your interactions with her have been much more inappropriate than my taking Penny and Leah to the aquarium. When I saw the two of you together at the MIT social—"

"You saw nothing," Leonard scowled. "She put her hand on my arm. It was no more than a friendly gesture that you've blown way out of proportion. Is that why Penny's been so distant lately? Did you say something to her?" Leonard hissed.

Sheldon looked down at his housemate with contempt. "I have no proof of any wrongdoing on your part, so I would never mention what I saw to Penny as it would hurt her feelings unnecessarily, as well as cause further tension which is unwelcome in my home. It was your chagrined reaction to Dr. Werner's touching you that led me to the conclusion that you've been having an affair. If there is friction in your marriage, may I suggest that it is most likely that Penny, with her keen empathetic skills, has divined that you have been unfaithful to her. As for Penny spending time with me, not only do we live under the same roof but she also works for me as my assistant. If you no longer care for either of those arrangements, then that is something you ought to discuss with her, not me."

At this point, Sheldon had worked himself into a seething fury. He turned his back on Leonard and walked away before he was tempted for the first time in years to allow their disagreement to come to blows.


	9. Chapter 9

Two weeks later:

Sheldon sighed and pulled the pillow over his head, trying to block out the noise of Leonard and Penny arguing. They always thought they were being quiet, more for Leah's sake than his, but they seemed to have forgotten his incredibly keen hearing. The worst part was that while he could clearly hear their angry voices, he couldn't make out too many of their words. It took him back to his childhood, when he and Missy would hide under their beds when his father came home drunk. His parents would start arguing and soon get into a huge screaming match until he could no longer pretend not to hear the horrible accusations they slung at each other.

The sound of a door slamming brought him back to the present, and soon he heard the rumble of the garage door opener and a screech of tires as Leonard drove off in a rage. It was Leonard, he was sure. Penny might be just as furious, but she would never leave Leah behind. Nor had she ever been in such desperate straits that she had taken the baby and left.

Sheldon thought back to the night of the social at MIT, picturing the sultry Dr. Werner caressing Leonard's arm and the smug expression on Leonard's face. The secret choked him, rose up as bile in the back of his throat. He barely made it to the bathroom in time before voiding the contents of his stomach. Once the heaving had subsided, he rinsed carefully with mouthwash to rid himself of the sour aftertaste in his mouth. He didn't know what to do. He was trying to protect Penny, and he had rationalized his decision by telling himself that he had no proof that Leonard was having an affair. But his body was certain of what his mind kept trying to obfuscate.

Leonard returned late the next day, sheepishly offering Penny a bouquet of mixed flowers and a trite apology. Sheldon was in his office, working on the next chapter of his book, but the door was open. His stomach churned sickeningly as he heard Penny say to Leonard, "I'm sorry too, honey." He needed to get away from all this drama. The moment the thought came into his head, he knew it was the right decision. He couldn't kick Penny out of his house, but certainly she would leave if he tried to evict only Leonard. Worse, she would probably demand an explanation. No, the only thing he could do was to leave, himself. With a sigh, he picked up the phone and called his mother.

Sheldon hadn't been back to Texas in years, and his mother was thrilled to hear of his plans to visit. She promised to cook all his favorite foods and clear out his brother's old bedroom so that he could use it as a workspace. After ending the conversation, he purchased a train ticket for the journey home. During his lecturing days, he had gotten used to flying, but he would always love trains.

*****

In some ways, it was very comforting to be back in his childhood home, but there were changes, some big and some small. Missy's old bedroom had been converted into a playroom for Missy's son Tyler. George Jr.'s old room now contained exercise equipment and a computer desk. But Mary still loved to fuss over her youngest son. She knew that something must be bothering him for him to come back home. Wisely, she gave him space to sort things out. She hoped that in time, he would confide in her, but after two weeks had passed, he was still ignoring her increasingly blatant hints. That was when Mary called in her secret weapon: Sheldon's twin sister, Missy.

When she first arrived at the house with her son in tow, Missy was shocked that Sheldon actually held his nephew and did it the correct way instead of holding him out at arm's length. Sheldon also spoke to him in a soothing voice and didn't freak out about germs when a curious Tyler poked him in the eye. Mother and daughter exchanges glances fraught with meaning before Mary announced in an overly-loud voice that she was taking Tyler out for a walk.

"It's good to see you, Shelly," Missy said, sitting down on the couch next to him. "I have to say, you've changed so much, it's hard to believe you're still the crazy little brother I grew up with."

"I'm not crazy. You know Mommy had me tested," he retorted. "Not to mention, your putative standing as the elder sibling depends solely on our mother's unreliable memory of which one of us dropped out of her at the K-mart and which was born in the ambulance on the way to the hospital." **

Missy fought to keep the grin off her face. Yep, same old Shelly. He was still so easy to tease.

"Well, I'm still your twin, and I can tell something's on your mind. You've managed to stay here for two weeks without Mama driving you cra— uh, driving you batty, so I know something's bothering you."

He hesitated, cursing the bizarre and completely unscientific bond between them that seemed to give Missy the supernatural ability to read his emotions, if not his thoughts. So after a sigh of exasperation, he told her about Leonard and Penny's marriage problems: the absences, the fighting, and finally—reluctantly—he told her about the incident at MIT with Leonard's research partner.

Missy cursed Leonard out then, in dreadful words that made Sheldon want to put his hands over his ears. Then she sighed. "You know, little brother, the problem with Leonard and Penny is that at some point, Leonard stopped thinking he was lucky to have her and started thinking she was lucky to have him. That just paved the way for all sorts of trouble."

Sheldon couldn't help but think his sister was right, although he wasn't about to admit it.

"So why don't you just tell them it's time for them to find their own place?" Missy asked.

He squirmed, looked away, and finally replied, "I can't."

She looked closely at him, and suddenly her face went blank with shock. "It's Penny, isn't it?" she gasped. "Oh, good Lord, Shelly, don't tell me you after twenty years of wantin' nothing to do with love, you fall for your best friend's wife, the one woman you can't have? You sure do have a way of gettin' yourself into an awful mess."

He tried to deny it, but his face started twitching before he could even open his mouth. Besides, it was a relief to get this secret off his chest, even if his confidant was his nosy sister.

What came out of his mouth next was, "You can't tell Momma. She'd hit me with a Bible."

She sighed. "You do know that's exactly why she left us alone to talk, right? She knew I'd get it out of you. Well, I guess I can make something up that'll satisfy her. The question is now, what are you going to do? Did you tell Penny about Leonard cheating?"

"No," he said heavily. "Without proof, Leonard would be able to accuse me of all sorts of misplaced motives, some of which might actually be true. Regardless, I couldn't imagine a scenario in which anything beneficial would come of me telling Penny what I saw."

Missy nodded, relieved. "Listen, Shelly, the worst thing you can do if you have feelings for Penny is tryin' to break up her marriage or cause problems between her and Leonard. You only have two choices here. Either deal with it and maybe wait it out, or tell them to leave."

"Wait what out?" Sheldon asked, puzzled.

"If he's really cheatin' on her and spendin' more time away than he is at home, she knows. She might not let on. She might even be pretending that everything's okay. But sooner or later, the shit's gonna hit the fan. If she kicks him out and you're there as her supportive best friend, could be you have a chance with her," Missy said, spelling it out for him.

Sheldon paled. What Missy was suggesting sounded rather underhanded. Certainly it violated the spirit of the dibs Leonard had called on Penny the day they had both met her. Yet, he desperately needed some plan of action, something other than running away. He nodded slowly.

When Sheldon returned to his home in Pasadena, he was still uncertain how he was going to handle the situation. Leonard was home for once, and he and Penny seemed to be getting along better. In fact, after confessing his feelings for Penny to his twin, Sheldon actually felt depressed to see Penny smiling at Leonard. He wondered bleakly if his absence had actually been good for their marriage.

Leah had grown in the weeks Sheldon was away, and he was amazed at how often she broke into a big toothless smile as she tried to roll over or teethe on her toys. She must have inherited that positive attitude from her mother, he thought. He decided that it wasn't too soon to begin developing her mind, so he began buying her educational toys. It became a common sight for Penny to see Sheldon sitting next to Leah's swing or bouncy chair, reading a physics journal to the baby. Even though she obviously couldn't comprehend the meaning, she seemed to enjoy hearing his voice. Once or twice, Penny caught Sheldon speaking to Leah in a singsong tone quite different from his normal speaking voice, although he would never use grammatically incorrect "baby talk".

After Sheldon conquered his germophobia enough to sit on the floor (which ought to be clean enough since he had a maid service come in twice a week), he started to show Leah how to interact with her new educational toys. Penny had never guessed that Sheldon, being so much like an overgrown child himself, would make such a great uncle. Not for the first time, she felt a twinge of pity that he would never have children of his own. She actually said as much to him one day. He looked startled, then thoughtful. He explained that he'd come to see the value in a child having two parents. Each parent contributed their own unique values and perspectives. He told her that spending time with Leah showed him that if he ever did have offspring, he would want to be a part of his or her upbringing. But since there was no woman he would ever consider raising children with, he said he was content to act as an uncle to Leah.

Sheldon had told her some variation on that theme often enough over the years that his face didn't twitch at all as he said it. After all, the one woman he felt he could love was already married, and to his best friend at that. Penny would never think of him in any romantic light, and she probably would never have done so, even if she had never met Leonard. Sheldon liked to think, though, that in some alternate universe, he might have had the chance to court Penny. Yet it had taken him so long to recognize his feelings for her that it seemed unlikely under any circumstance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In TBBT canon, Mary Cooper once says that Sheldon dropped out of her at a K-Mart (season 1, episode 4), although Sheldon later says he was born at Lawrence Memorial Hospital (season 2, episode 9). I had fun taking artistic license with these two contradictory statements.


	10. Chapter 10

Leonard and Penny's arguing began about a week after Sheldon returned. He wondered whether his presence was a catalyst for their marital tension. Even if it was, there was nothing he could do about it. It was Leonard's choice to continue to live under Sheldon's roof, and because of Penny, Sheldon would ask them to move out only as a last resort. He did have to ask himself, though, which was worse: to see Penny and Leonard happy together, or to see Penny stay with Leonard despite his boorish behavior. Either way, confessing his feelings to Missy seemed to have made things more difficult for him. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand the tension of both his unrequited feelings and Leonard's cheating. He might be forced to ask them to move out. He didn't want to lose Penny, but it hurt too much to be in the middle of this mess.

Once again, the sound of a slamming door and squealing tires echoed through the night. In his own bedroom, Sheldon groaned and pulled the pillow over his head, sure that he was in for another restless night. He awoke some time later to a knocking on his door. It was Penny, and he sat up in bed, surprised that she would enter his room before he had even invited her in. Although she had become the exception to his no-one-is-allowed-in-my-room policy while they were touring together, she hadn't done so in years.

"Sheldon, I just got a call from the police," Penny said, her voice tight with fear. "Leonard's been in an accident. I have to go to the hospital."

Sheldon got up immediately and pulled on his robe. "Do you wish me to babysit Leah?" he asked.

She trembled and shook her head. "Actually... will you come to the hospital with me? I have this terrible feeling—" She broke off with a sob. "We were fighting again. What if those were the last words we'll ever say to each other?"

"That is highly unlikely," Sheldon replied, but Penny shook her head, unconvinced, and left to buckle Leah into her car seat. It was still dark outside, a few hours before sunrise, as Sheldon drove Penny to the hospital. Leah went back to sleep quickly, lulled by the motion of the car ride.

When they reached the emergency room and asked about Leonard, the nurse at the reception desk told Penny that he was in surgery. Pointing out a police officer standing on the other side of the large waiting area, she suggested that Penny talk to him about the accident.

The officer was an older man with a drooping white mustache and world-weary eyes. "Are you Mrs. Hofstadter?" he queried in a deep gravelly voice, seeing Penny approach.

"Yes. Please tell me, is my husband going to be all right? What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"It appears that your husband lost control of his vehicle. He slid off the road and hit a tree head-on. Another driver passed the scene of the accident and called it in. I was the first responder, and your husband was unconscious when I got there. The ambulance showed up just a few minutes later, but there wasn't much the EMT's could do because your husband was pinned behind the steering column. They had to wait until the fire department showed up with the jaws of life to cut him out of the vehicle."

As he was explaining this, Penny's face drained of color. "How badly was he hurt?" she whispered.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, it's not my place to speculate. All I can tell you is that the doctors will do everything they can for him," he replied, but the grave yet sympathetic look in his eyes did nothing to relieve her fears.

Penny nodded and thanked him automatically. In a daze, she made her way back to Sheldon, who was watching her with concern. She dropped into a chair and put her head in her hands.

"Penny, how is Leonard? What's going on?" Sheldon demanded, panicked by her reaction.

She raised her head and wiped her cheeks with the backs of both hands. "The policeman doesn't know how he is, but what he told me sounds pretty bad," she said in a low voice. "Leonard drove off the road and hit a tree. The EMT's couldn't get to him until the fire department came to cut open the car so they could pull him out. Oh Sheldon, what am I going to do?" Penny cried, her face crumpling as she burst into tears again. All he could do was to put his arm around her. There was nothing he could say that would comfort her.

Over the next hour, Sheldon went up to the reception desk at least six times, demanding news about his friend. Every time, the answer was the same: we'll let you know as soon as we have any information. Finally, the nurse called Penny's name. Penny startled and clutched Sheldon's hand so tightly that her nails dug into his hand.

"Come with me... please," she begged. So Sheldon followed her, carrying the baby seat in which Leah was still sleeping peacefully. They were ushered into another waiting area, and in a few moments, a middle-aged woman in scrubs entered. She introduced herself as Leonard's surgeon.

Penny took one look at the woman's face and felt faint. The surgeon's face looked grim. "How is my husband doing?" Penny asked for what felt like the thousandth time. The doctor began to talk about Leonard's injuries. Penny may not have understood all the medical jargon, but the list was long and included scary-sounding words like laceration and rupture.

"We've been working on your husband in surgery for the past three hours, Mrs. Hofstadter, but his injuries were just too severe. We did everything we could for him. I'm sorry. He passed away about a half hour ago."

A wild scream tore from Penny's throat. She collapsed on the floor, sobbing hysterically. Leah startled awake at the sound and started whimpering fretfully. Sheldon just stared at the doctor, unable to move. This can't be happening, he thought. It was just a terrible nightmare. Any moment now, he would wake up in his own bed and scoff that he'd had such a morbid dream.

The surgeon slid a packet of information toward Sheldon. "Here is a list of funeral parlors and mortuaries which the hospital works with on a regular basis. Of course, you're welcome to make your own arrangements, but many patients find this helpful after such an unexpected occurrence." She glanced down at Penny. The doctor's gaze was professionally courteous. She must have regrets about having to deliver such bad news, but she kept them carefully hidden. "Again, I'm very sorry for your loss," she intoned and left the room.

*****

Sheldon spent the next few days in a haze of stunned incomprehension. As soon as his mother heard the news, she had insisted on flying to California to help out. The small corner of his mind that wasn't completely in shock was grateful. After all, who better to help Penny through her grief than someone who had also buried a husband too soon? The funeral was arranged in short order, and Sheldon had no idea how many of the decisions had come from his mother instead of Penny. He spent more time than ever with Leah, since her mother didn't seem to have the energy to do so. Leah, now ten months old, seemed to sense that something was wrong and clung nervously to anyone who held her.

Leonard's parents flew in the night before the funeral. Beverly wore dark sunglasses almost the entire time she was there, but Sheldon couldn't see any evidence that she had been crying. Her demeanor was nothing but stoic the whole time she was there. On the afternoon of the funeral, Sheldon had gone to check on Leah, expecting her to soon wake from her nap. He was astonished to find Dr. Beverly standing over the crib, scribbling away in a notebook.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a low voice. He felt a qualm of misgiving, but tried to ignore it. Surely it was only natural that Beverly would be curious about her granddaughter, especially as this was the first time she had met her in person.

"I'm making observations, of course," the older woman drawled. "Such a fascinating study, don't you think? The effect of severe emotional trauma on a developing child... I wonder how much she is able to comprehend at this stage."

Sheldon felt himself grow hot and cold by turns. He had always appreciated Beverly's clinical mind before, but the past few days had been hell for him. All the emotions that he usually kept carefully suppressed and hidden away were much nearer the surface. He was forcefully reminded of Leonard's loveless upbringing and how desperate his friend had been to find someone who would love him in return.

"You will not capitalize on your son's death," Sheldon rasped. "And you will not turn your granddaughter into the subject of a psychological experiment."

She turned to him with a look of faint reproach. "How positively pedestrian of you, Dr. Cooper. I thought you of all people would understand the value of professional detachment. I hardly need to remind you that Leonard was a scientist, too. I'm sure he would be gratified by my attention to the child."

"No, he wouldn't," Sheldon hissed furiously, trying to be quiet so as not to wake Leah. "All that he ever wanted was for you to love him and approve of him regardless of his academic achievements. You were no mother to him, and I am not going to allow you to disparage his daughter. She will grow up knowing that she is loved and valued for who she is, not what she accomplishes."

As he uttered these words, hardly even knowing where they came from, Sheldon felt something change inside of him. In the blink of an eye, he realized the similarities between the way he had treated Leonard and the way Beverly had belittled her son. Leonard had grown into a damaged individual, unable to have faith in himself, always yearning for attention and affection yet never satisfied. He looked down at Leah's tiny form, peaceful in sleep. He had never appreciated the way his mother raised him, with her insistence on things he thought were pointless like manners and kissing him goodnight. But now he saw that Beverly's parenting had turned her son into someone doomed to be a failure as a husband and a father.

"You can't stop me from being a part of my grandchild's life," Beverly said, jerking his thoughts back to the present. Her arms were crossed as she looked at him with a smug, superior expression.

"Perhaps not, but I can banish you from my home. You will leave tomorrow morning, and you are no longer welcome here. If you wish to see your granddaughter, you will have to make other housing arrangements while you visit."

Beverly sneered at him. "It's hardly worth all this fuss over an infant that can't even talk yet. Perhaps I was mistaken about her usefulness. I'm sure I can find more suitable subjects to test my theories on."

As Beverly swept haughtily out of the room, Leah began to stir. Whimpering, she sat up and extended her arms to Sheldon. He picked her up and found himself hugging her close as his throat tightened. "Leah, you are... you are a remarkable person, even though you are only an infant. I like how you smile at challenges. I think you are unusually perceptive. Your brown eyes remind me of your father and how he was once my best friend. I... I love you."

Leah grinned at him, revealing her perfectly white baby teeth, before squirming in his arms. "Yes, I know, you need a clean diaper," Sheldon said with a hint of a smile. He laid her down gently on her changing table and reached for the box of latex gloves that he always kept with the diapers. He stopped before he touched the carton and looked at the gloves. He had always told himself they protected him from germs, but they also reminded him of a laboratory, or of a scientist who didn't want to get too close to the object of his experiment. With a deep breath, he pulled his hand back and looked down at Leah. It seemed to him that if he was going to interact with her in a way that made her feel valued and loved, then he couldn't don gloves to touch her. Gritting his teeth, he undid the diaper tabs and began to clean her bottom with a soft wipe. He was still fairly certain there was nothing wrong with washing his hands after changing her though... with hot water and lots of soap and some antibacterial gel too.

Both Doctors Hofstadter left the day after the funeral, having divided up Leonard's research between them. Sheldon let them do so without comment. He doubted that Leonard's current project would ever amount to anything, and Penny would probably not want to keep any reminders of the work that had taken her husband away so frequently.

******

In the weeks that followed, Sheldon completely ignored his work on his second book (the first had been published shortly after Leah's birth and received moderate acclaim). His job became taking care of Leah and Penny. Their friends—Raj, Howard, Bernadette, and even Stuart—came by to visit as often as they could, but they all had jobs and it was difficult for them to be around Penny. They didn't know what to say. The most innocuous conversational gambit could lead to a prolonged bout of weeping.

Sheldon wondered why he wasn't grieving as well. Not that he expected to cry, but shouldn't he feel some sadness? When he thought of Leonard being gone, of never being able to speak to him again, all he felt was anger. He wanted to scream at Leonard and ask him how could he leave Penny and Leah like this, how could he have squandered the precious time he had with them. There were a number of late night one-sided conversations that Sheldon had out in the back yard. He always felt drained afterward, but he hoped it was a good thing, getting it all off his chest, as Penny would have said.


	11. Chapter 11

One night, Sheldon woke up with a start. Peering blearily at his alarm clock, he saw it was almost three o'clock in the morning. In a moment, he understood why he had woken as he heard a muffled sob. He wondered what particular event had triggered this fresh onslaught of grief for Penny. It could be anything, he thought grimly. In the months since Leonard's death, she would at first seem to have a few good hours at a time. There were even times when she seemed to get through a day without crying, and then without warning, she would fall apart again.

After a few moments, he got up and put on his robe. Crossing the vaulted great room, he entered what he liked to think of as Penny's wing of the house. He knocked softly on her door, but there was no response. He opened the door and called her name quietly.

She sniffled and said, "Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

He sat on the edge of the bed. The last few months had taught him that the best way to help Penny deal with her grief was to encourage her to talk and then listen. Fortunately, she didn't need him to say anything either comforting or profound. If that was the case, he would be completely at a loss.

After a moment, she said, "I had a nightmare. It was different than the others. Instead of watching Leonard die in the accident, I dreamed I turned into his mother."

Sheldon said nothing. He was fairly certain his recent experiences with Beverly Hofstadter would only upset Penny further.

"I guess I feel like I've lost my ability to be happy. I don't want to be a bad mother, but I just don't know how to be a good one right now," she said.

"You have very little in common with Leonard's mother," Sheldon pointed out.

"That's nice of you to say, but I've been so out of it lately," Penny said miserably. "What if I've already messed her up for life? What if she hates me?"

Sheldon considered. As much as he loathed giving advice, it seemed like she needed something to draw her out of her malaise of pity and self-doubt.

"You love your daughter, and while I do not believe in such hokum as karma or a cosmic balance, it may set your mind at ease to know that I believe you are raising Leonard's daughter with all the parental love that he always wanted." Sheldon hesitated, wanting to comment on how much time he had been spending with Leah lately. He also yearned for Penny's acknowledgement, but he couldn't say anything without the risk of making her feel worse.

She was silent for a moment, then reached over and gave him a one-armed hug. "You're right, as always. Thank you, sweetie. That was exactly what I needed to hear."

"If that is all, Penny?" he asked, already shifting to rise from the bed.

"Actually, do you think you could stay and keep me company for just a little while?" she asked plaintively.

After a long pause, he sighed and replied, "Very well." In truth, he was all too aware of the amount of bare skin revealed by her skimpy pajamas, and it made him uncomfortable in a way he didn't wish to think about. Not to mention that he felt a certain degree of self-loathing for "peeking" while Penny was still in mourning for Leonard. He had long ago discarded his idea of being a new species, Homo novus, in the face of his growing attraction to Penny. Sheldon Cooper may be many things, but he was not a hypocrite.

Gingerly, he sat back further and reclined until his head rested on the top of the headboard. He was keenly aware that this was where Leonard used to sleep, next to his wife. In the darkness, Penny reached out and grasped his hand. His traitorous reflexes betrayed him as he curled his fingers around hers. He stayed far longer than necessary, long after Penny's breathing had slipped into the slow measured cadence of sleep.

*****

Not long after the night Sheldon had shared Penny's bed (however briefly and platonically), he began to allow his agent to book him for local speaking engagements and book signings. He told Penny that he needed the funds so he didn't have to dip into his nest egg, and there was truth enough to that statement to keep him from twitching as he said it. But more importantly, he wanted to encourage Penny to get out and start living her life again. After months of grieving, Penny was beginning to feel a little more like her old self. She could now enjoy spending time with Leah without crying or feeling guilty, and she was looking forward to resuming her old job of managing Sheldon's career.

A typical tour day would begin with Penny driving the three of them to their destination. Leah was usually well-behaved on car trips even though she was steady on her feet now and constantly finding new ways to wreak havoc. Once at their destination, Penny make sure everything was set up to Sheldon's satisfaction. Then she would leave to take Leah to a park or something else that the two of them could do together. Oddly enough, Sheldon began to feel like he was missing out on the fun. After all, very few people were willing to debate with a Nobel laureate, and even fewer could hold their own against Sheldon's brutal logic. He was surprised to realize that he would actually prefer to push Leah on the swings with Penny than try to hammer knowledge into lesser minds. Well, he had never liked teaching anyway, and the lectures, although lucrative, were all too similar to each other to provide him with much mental stimulation.

On the six-month anniversary (or mensiversary, as Sheldon insisted was the proper term) of Leonard's death, Penny realized that something had changed. She had expected to spend the day prostrate with grief. Instead, she found herself remembering some of their happier moments with a wistful smile.

In the days following, she slowly began to sort through Leonard's things, a task that she hadn't yet had the strength to face. His "toys"—the figurines, games and graphic novels—she handed over to Sheldon to either keep, give to Raj or Howard, or sell them. Leonard's books were donated to the university library. Photos and mementos from his past, before he met Penny, were boxed up. She would have to store those somewhere since she was convinced Beverly would have no interest in them. She did find a box of his old research papers. Those she sent to her mother-in-law, knowing that if Beverly valued anything of her late son's possessions, it would be his scientific endeavors. By this point, Sheldon had told her of Beverly's bizarre yet characteristic behavior at the funeral, and Penny charitably hoped that her mother-in-law had been acting that way to mask deeper feelings of grief she had been unable to express.

Penny went through the items shipped from Leonard's East Coast apartment last, planning to keep a few items as mementos and donate the rest. She approached the boxes in the basement with an uneasy premonition. There had been times when she felt that there was more to the distance between them than his all-consuming drive for recognition. As she sorted through the boxes, they seemed to contain more of the same books, toys and clothes. Most of it seemed to be items that Leonard hadn't valued as much, as if the apartment truly was just a temporary situation. Penny was ready to chide herself for her silly superstitions when she heard something crinkle in the pocket of one of Leonard's hoodies. She drew out a folded paper and opened it up to read an innocuous note. Innocuous, that is, except for the fact that it was from Allison Werner, his research partner, and was signed with a string of X's and O's. She stared at the paper, feeling numb. Slowly, she mounted the stairs. She found Sheldon and Leah watching one of those educational baby videos. Under other circumstances, she would have found it cute. This video was all about ocean animals, and Sheldon was solemnly identifying each one by its scientific name for the little girl.

"Tursiops truncatus—bottlenose dolphin... Carcharodon carcharias—great white shark," he intoned while Leah giggled and pointed at the screen, shouting, "Fih! Fih!"

"Sheldon, would you come here for a minute?" She could hear the strain in her voice. When he came near, she dragged him into the next room. She showed him the note, and he glanced at it and froze, a look of panic on his face. Dammit! she thought. She instantly perceived that Sheldon had known something about Leonard's affair and was equally furious with both her late husband and her best friend who apparently was still operating under the "bros before ho's" policy.

"Sheldon, why didn't you tell me?" she hissed angrily.

He squirmed uncomfortably. "I had no proof," he said at last. "Believe me, it was a source of tension between Leonard and myself, but I wasn't willing to risk hurting you on the basis of unsubstantiated conjecture."

Some of the tension went out of her then. She hadn't realized that Sheldon had found himself in such an impossible position. Under the circumstances, she couldn't blame him for his actions. "I... I had my suspicions. He just didn't seem to miss me very much when he was away, and he was rarely in any great hurry to get back home. I just wish..." Her voice broke, and she sniffled and blinked rapidly. "Sheldon, why wasn't I enough for him? Why couldn't I make him happy?"

He was swift to offer her a tissue (even now, he was always prepared for a sudden onslaught of tears from Penny) and ushered her to a seat before he faced her. "I have pondered that very question many times," he said as gently as he could. "My conclusion was that for Leonard, there was no such thing as too much love, too much affection, or too much coitus. There was a part of him that was broken, Penny, and no matter what you did to try to be enough for him, that part would never be satisfied. You mustn't blame yourself."

Penny nodded and gave him an indecipherable look from beneath her tear-dampened eyelashes. "If you were anybody else..." she murmured, gazing up at him with a beseeching expression.

He heard her words, but he wasn't sure what she meant. By this point, his hopelessly infatuated ego had tried many times to interpret things she said as proof of a nascent attraction to him. The more rational part of him, his id, mockingly crushed those hopes. The only solution that kept him sane was to ignore those strange little remarks she sometimes made.

He sighed. "I recognize that look. Fine, I will cuddle you on the couch, but we're watching Battlestar Galactica," he replied with a mock grumble. Cuddling was another not-quite-platonic aspect of his relationship with Penny. It had started when he had begun to take an interest in Leah, necessitating his holding her. As Penny was always very physically affectionate with her daughter, some of that spilled over into her dealings with Sheldon. Leonard's death had caused her (perhaps unfairly) to seek some of that physical touch with her best friend. And so it was that gradually, Sheldon got used to Penny curling up into the shelter of the thin lines of his body, even as he dreaded them for a very different reason than he would have done five years ago.

"I love you, Moon Pie," Penny said impishly in a girlish little voice.

His face froze into a mask. If only you meant that the way I want you to, he thought. Aloud, he merely said, "Don't call me Moon Pie. Only Meemaw is allowed to call me Moon Pie."

*****

Over the next few months, Sheldon and Penny became closer than ever and spent almost every day together. For their own reasons, neither of them were willing to address this new intimacy between them until one day, matters came to a head. They had spent the morning at a street fair, pushing Leah along in a stroller as Penny admired the work of local artisans and purchased a few small items. Then they had lunch at an outdoor café and sat under an umbrella, enjoying the beautiful spring day. After Leah's afternoon nap, they took her to a park and pushed her on the swings, then sat together on a bench while she played in the sand box. After dinner at home, Leah had fallen asleep sprawled across both his and Penny's laps while they watched the latest Star Trek movie.

Sheldon had a tender expression on his face as he looked down at the toddler and brushed a brown curl out of her face. Penny was leaning her head against Sheldon's shoulder. When she saw what he was doing, she felt a great swell of love for him and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. If all his muscles locked up, it was from shock rather than distaste, but Penny drew back almost at once.

"I'm so sorry," she said, reddening. "I didn't mean to..."

"Why did you kiss me?" Sheldon asked in a voice that sounded raw.

"It was an accident," Penny faltered.

"Tell me why," he insisted hoarsely.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, feeling almost frightened. "I guess it was just a natural reaction. We had such a nice day together. It was almost like we were a family."

"Were you thinking of Leonard?" he asked, looking away as a muscle twitched along his jaw.

Penny had never been able to get Sheldon to open up to her about what had happened with Amy all those years ago. It was clear to her now that she triggered some sort of bad memory by kissing him, and the intensity of his reaction alarmed her. In that moment, she realized just how deep her feelings for Sheldon had become, and also how any declaration of those feelings would cause a rift in their friendship. So she lied. "Yeah, I... I was just thinking about Leonard," she said.

There was a long pause while she watched the tics sweep across his face and wondered what on earth was going through his mind... that beautiful, unorthodox mind of his. Finally, he said, "Perhaps I overreacted." It was as much of an apology as she was likely to get from him. He scooped up the slumbering toddler in his arms and stood. "I'll put her to bed now," he said and walked away.

That night, Penny tossed and turned, unable to sleep. She had messed up big time. Sheldon had changed so much in the past few years that she had just forgotten his claims to be asexual. Maybe somewhere deep down inside, she was hoping he felt differently about dating and everything that went with it. Okay, to be honest, she wanted him to feel differently about her. She wiped away tears as she thought about how amazing their day had been. She wished she had more memories like that with Leonard and their daughter. But he had been gone for over a year now, and although she would always miss him, she wasn't ready to spend the rest of her life in mourning. Before Leonard's death, there had been times when she felt guilty about how close she had become to Sheldon. Now Leonard was gone. While she might be ready to think about moving on, Sheldon had made it quite clear that he had no interest in being the object of her affections. It hurt more than she wanted to admit, and the tears she shed that night were not for her late husband.


	12. Chapter 12

Sheldon also had a restless night. He spent half the night castigating himself for not kissing Penny back, and the other half hating himself for wanting his late best friend's widow. The funny thing was, his attraction to Penny was about more than sexual desire. Of course, he thought she was beautiful and always had. But what he really wanted was for her to stay with him, to share every aspect of his life. He wanted her in his bed at night just so he could hear her voice in the dark and smell the green apple fragrance of her shampoo. He even wished Leah was his own daughter, even though he valued the knowledge that some of her appearance and personality was a legacy from Leonard.

Yesterday, he believed that he would do anything for Penny. Today, he knew differently. It didn't surprise him to discover that his love for her was selfish. After all, Leonard had told him for years how selfish and difficult he was, and he knew it to be true. If he really loved Penny selflessly, he would have given her what she needed, whether it was comfort or security or just the temporary rush of endorphins from coitus. Instead, he wanted everything, for her to love him with her whole heart and not just as a best friend. Well, it had been slightly over a year (one year, one month, and eighteen days, to be exact) since Leonard had died, and her late husband was still first in her heart. Maybe he always would be, or maybe she would meet someone else and move on. He pondered the idea that perhaps they had been friends too long for her to ever consider him as a romantic partner.

If he declared his feelings for Penny, it would also mean he would have to revisit one of the worst decisions of his life: engaging in coitus with Amy. The events which had precipitated the fateful decision had begun the night that Leonard returned from the Hawking research cruise. Sheldon had known, intellectually, that if Penny and Leonard didn't break up again, they would most likely end up married. He also knew that Leonard had proposed to Penny at least twice to his knowledge. Perhaps he had relied too much on Penny's fear of commitment to maintain the status quo indefinitely. Whatever the cause, he had been completely unprepared for the emotional turmoil their engagement elicited in him. The most baffling part was the animosity he felt toward Penny. Shouldn't he have been more upset with Leonard? In time, he realized that Penny was the one he felt like he was losing. Leonard would stay friends with him, but Penny would move on, doing whatever it was young women with no career did when marriage to a certain partner made it unnecessary for them to work to support themselves.

Sheldon had avoided Penny for weeks after she proposed to Leonard. She was correct in assuming that he was angry with her, but she was wrong about the reason. Sheldon couldn't quite bring himself to hope Penny and Leonard would break up over the stress of planning the wedding, but he had to admit he fantasized about it. Finally, he took a drastic step. After careful research, he went to see a different doctor than his usual provider. He complained of feeling depressed and not sleeping well. He lied about thoughts of suicide, but fortunately for him, the new doctor had merely interpreted his facial tics as discomfort. Sheldon walked out of the exam room with a prescription for antidepressants in his hand.

Sheldon had promised his mother he would never do drugs when he first moved to California, but if he didn't find some way to control his emotions, he was afraid he would do something worse, something he would regret. As it turned out, that was exactly what happened anyway. The pills worked as he had hoped, enabling him to smile when required, to treat Penny like normal, and to do what was expected of him as one of Leonard's groomsmen. Originally, Leonard had asked Sheldon to be his best man, but then Leonard's mother had gotten involved. In an extension of some Hofstadter family squabble Sheldon didn't understand (and didn't want to), Beverly pressured Leonard into making his older brother Michael the best man in Sheldon's stead. Truthfully, Sheldon was relieved that he would be standing that much further away from the happy couple when they said their vows. When the big day finally came, Sheldon doubled up on his meds, allowing him to smile and be numb to the fact that his world was shattering around him.

Then just like that, the day was over. Penny was gone, lost to him forever. Sheldon spent the next two days curled up in a fetal position on his bed. On the third day, he stumbled out of bed and tried to figure out how to go on with his life. He checked his phone and found several messages from Amy. She was all he had left, but at least he was fairly certain she wouldn't abandon him. In fact, he had tried on more than one occasion to break up with her, but she was crafty and manipulative like the proverbial female fox, causing him to label her with the sobriquet "vixen". He'd known what she wanted from him for a long time. Now he decided that maybe if he gave in to her, it would ensure that one person, at least, wouldn't abandon him.

His plan had been born out of despair and a chemically induced detachment. He relied on the pills once more the evening that he invited Amy to spend the night. Even under the numbing influence of the antidepressants, there was a sense of wrongness that permeated the ordeal. He was dismayed that his body responded to the physical stimuli, even with his eyes tightly shut and his hands balled into fists at his sides. When he realized that any future mention of coitus would bring to mind in vivid clarity this act with Amy, it made him physically ill. He was absolutely convinced that he would never want to repeat this experience again.

He had tried to escape his former life, to maintain a safe distance from attachments, both physically and emotionally. He threw himself into his research, striving to forget Amy, Leonard, Penny and everything he had done. His intense focus ultimately resulted in a Nobel, but it couldn't prevent a certain blonde former neighbor from worming her way back into his heart. She wouldn't give up on him. She scolded him and sent him care packages and made him snicker over lol-cat physics jokes. On the evening of his acceptance speech, as he looked over the crowd of distinguished scientists and other notables, he only saw one person: Penny. If he didn't have a name for the intense longing that swept through him when he saw her, it dawned on him over the next few weeks in the aftermath of winning the Nobel. Without her, all his success meant nothing. He only wanted her. Realizing that he was in love with Penny, that he had probably loved with her for years, came as a shock. Once the truth occurred to him, he couldn't help himself. She may be married to his (former) best friend, but that didn't stop him from using the sudden excess of wealth that came with the Nobel Prize to bring her back into his life. Over the years, he had told himself that he was content just to have her be a part of his life. Now, although he saw a chance that the two of them could be something more than friends, his fear kept him from revealing his feelings. The risk of losing her was just too great.

*****

Leah's first birthday had been a low-key affair since it had come just a few weeks after Leonard's death. Now that Leah was turning two, Penny seemed determined to make up for it. She booked a party at a toddler play place and invited all Leah's little friends (such as they were at the age of two) from play group. Sheldon offered to fly Penny's parents out for the weekend. He also bought Leah a savings bond, to help Penny start saving for her college tuition, and a rather frivolous purchase of a pink floppy-eared stuffed bunny.

At the party, all the toddlers seemed to be enjoying themselves, if the noise level was any indication. Sheldon noticed Penny's mom, Connie, had cornered Penny and was talking to her earnestly. Penny didn't look very happy. She seemed to be mostly listening and nodding, a tactic Sheldon had often employed when his mother would go off on one of her rants. He sighed, wishing Connie would leave her daughter alone so she could enjoy Leah's birthday.

"Penny dear, have you ever thought about moving back home?" Connie was saying.

"You mean back to Nebraska?" Penny asked in surprise.

"Yes, dear. Your father and I would love to have you and Leah closer, and there really isn't anything left for you in California now that Leonard's passed," Connie said.

Penny grimaced. She had always hated that euphemism.

"With the work you've done for your... friend, I'm sure you could find a good job as an executive assistant or some kind of event planner," Connie continued, taking Penny's silence as assent.

Penny frowned. "I'm not alone out here, Mom. I do have friends. I'm not totally desperate."

Her mother arched an eyebrow at her disapprovingly. "That may be true, but they have their own lives. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter now. No friends will ever love you like your family does."

Penny bit her lip. It was true that after Leonard's death, her friends had gradually drifted away from her. They didn't seem to know what to say or how to act around her anymore.

"What you're doing now isn't healthy," her mother pressed on. "I can see that you've gotten emotionally... entangled with someone who reminds you of Leonard. But from what you've told me, Sheldon can't or won't ever give you the kind of love you want. I'm not wrong about that, am I?" Penny looked down, her silence answer enough. Connie continued, "You deserve a man who can love you with his whole heart, and he's not the one. You need to make a clean break and get away from here. Come back home, Penny."

As Penny listened to her mother, her heart was breaking. Mom's right. I can't just keep hanging on to Sheldon for the rest of my life, Penny thought. He'd given them a home, and emotional as well as financial support. And how had she repaid his kindness? By mooching off him and having far too many lascivious thoughts about her tall, dark and self-proclaimed asexual friend. It was time for her to stand on her own two feet again. She didn't really want to move back home, but she appreciated her mom's offer. Plus, she knew if she went back to Nebraska, Leah would have the chance to get to know her grandparents (the sane, normal ones) better.

"I'll think about it, Mom," Penny said at last, with a sigh.


	13. Chapter 13

Over the next few weeks, her mother's advice kept nagging at Penny. The idea that she had gotten involved in a kind of loveless quasi-relationship with Sheldon had taken hold. She became convinced that her mother was right, and that the best course of action was a clean break by moving back home. It took her quite some time to work up the nerve to tell Sheldon of her plans to move back to Omaha. When she did, he was actually shocked speechless.

"You've been so nice to us... too nice," Penny explained. "I'm too comfortable here. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it's like you're enabling me. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you. I haven't done full-time work for you in a while, and I'm not really earning my keep."

Sheldon opened his mouth to reply, but what could he say? He wasn't the type to fall on his knees and profess his undying love, even if he was certain there would never be another woman for him. Finally, he managed to say, "We both help each other. That's not enabling. Besides, you know I never put much stock in that psychological mumbo-jumbo."

She smiled gently. "Sweetie, if I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted me to stay."

It would have been so easy to say, "Yes, that's right. Please stay... I love you." But again the words stuck in his throat.

Misunderstanding the look he gave her, she said lightly, "Just think, soon you'll have the house all to yourself."

"It will seem very empty without you and Leah in it," he said sincerely.

A stricken look passed over her face. "Sheldon, I'm sorry, but I just can't stay here and pretend we're a happy little family."

"I want you to stay. Please stay." There, he had managed to say that much at last.

Her eyes welled up with tears, and he had the sudden urge to hold her and promise her anything if it would make her happy again.

"I can't. There's no future for me here," Penny said. She clapped a hand over her mouth and ran from the room.

Sheldon watched her leave, feeling like he was being torn in two. How could he let her go? Paradoxically, if he truly loved her and she needed to leave, how could he ask her to stay? For the first time in years, he was up all night. He pulled out his old whiteboards and set them up in his office, trying to come up with a solution. If he let Penny leave without saying anything, he would lose both her and Leah, and by this point, he loved the little girl almost as much as he loved her mother. He was scared though, that if he told Penny how he felt, she wouldn't believe him. Most scenarios that he ran through in his head had her angry at him, thinking he was trying to trick her into staying. He could offer to pay her more, but money wasn't really the reason she wanted to leave. He realized that she'd been rather vague about why she wanted to move out. Maybe if he could get her to fully explain, he could come up with a better solution to her problem than her moving back to Nebraska. He liked that plan, since the only alternative was to reveal his feelings, and that idea terrified him.

He waited all through the next day, until after Penny had put Leah to bed, both of them kissing her good night. Leah had begun to call him something that sounded rather like "Unca Shun", but he was irrationally pleased nonetheless every time he heard his name in her childish voice.

Penny closed Leah's door softly and smiled up at Sheldon. "So what are we watching tonight?" she asked. "Star Trek? Firefly? Doctor Who?"

He swallowed hard, suddenly nervous. "Actually, I was hoping you would join me in the living room for a conversation."

"Sounds serious," she said with a slight frown. She followed him to the living room and sat down near the corner of the L-shaped couch. He took the corresponding seat on the other section so they sat facing each, their knees almost touching.

"I don't understand why you are moving," he said unhappily. "You have not yet explained your motivations to my satisfaction. You have been a part of my life for a long time and one of my closest friends. I think my request is reasonable."

Penny sighed and toyed with the end of her ponytail hanging over her shoulder for a moment before responding, "Sweetie, I can't let you support me. I need to support myself."

"You let Leonard support you," Sheldon pointed out.

"No, I didn't. I was working," she protested.

"Your salary was insufficient to support yourself, at least while you were working at the Cheesecake Factory."

"Fine, I'll give you that," Penny conceded. "But that's different. I was in a relationship with Leonard."

"You and I have a relationship," Sheldon said with irrefutable logic.

"No, sweetie, we have a friendship," she sighed.

"Why can't you accept from me what you accepted from him? Do you feel that coitus has to be involved in order to make such an exchange equitable?" Sheldon asked.

Penny was shocked. "No, of course not," she cried. "Don't say that! You make me sound like a prostitute."

"It was not my intention to imply that you were," he responded. "You must know by now that I have come to respect your talents and abilities, even though they are vastly different from my own. I'm just trying to understand why you are leaving me. If we were dating, would you stay?"

She blinked in surprise and hesitated long enough that he thought he had hit upon something.

"Would you like to have dinner with me at an expensive restaurant? Shall I buy you flowers and chocolates? We could go to the theater—"

"Sheldon, stop!" she cried, jumping up. To his surprise, she had tears in her eyes. "Stop saying those things! You don't love me; you just don't want me to leave."

Every time he tried to apply logic to this situation, it just seemed to fall apart further. He knew that if he didn't tell Penny how he really felt, he would lose her forever. It was now or never, he thought, taking a deep breath. "I do love you," he said quietly.

She paled and took a step back. "You don't know what you're saying," she whispered.

He came closer to her and took her hand. "Penny, I am in love with you, and I have been for a long time."

More tears flowed down her cheeks. "Why are you doing this?" she asked in an agonized whisper. "Do you have any idea how long I've wanted..."

"Not as long as I have," Sheldon said and he leaned down and kissed her at last. It was a brief, chaste kiss, and he saw the confusion in her eyes when he pulled back. "I know that you are afraid to believe what I'm saying. You think I would say anything to keep you here. Maybe you're right, because I can't imagine a life without you and Leah in it. If you won't believe me when I say I love you, then let me prove it to you." He bent down and cradled her face in his hands as he kissed her with all the pent-up longing of the past five years.

When at last he pulled back, she looked at him with a kind of dazed wonder, and tears had made shining trails down her cheeks. "You love me?" she asked. "Doesn't it matter how I feel?"

Sheldon swallowed hard, now more nervous than before, something he hadn't thought possible. He opened his mouth to say something, and she flung herself into his arms and cut off whatever response he had been going to make.

"I love you too," she said after another long wordless moment. "I started having these feeling for you, way back when we first started traveling together. I used to tell myself that I was just crazy or lonely or horny. Then when I got pregnant with Leah, all of a sudden, I couldn't stop thinking about you… in bed," she added, blushing. "I just blamed it on pregnancy hormones and the way you were taking care of me. But then when Leah was born and you started taking care of her and playing with her… you even changed her diapers. I would have never cheated on Leonard. You know I'm not that kind of girl. But I stopped wanting to be someone's trophy a long time ago. I wanted someone to share my life with. You were almost perfect, and that was why I had to leave. I realized I was in love with you, but I didn't think you could ever love me back."

He took her hands in his and looked deep into her eyes, trying to convince her of the sincerity of his words. "When you and Leonard got engaged, I reacted poorly without knowing why. I fought against the loss of your friendship, and that led me to make some very poor decisions. I decided the only thing for me to do then was to leave my old life behind and start over, but you wouldn't let me walk out of your life. The night that I accepted the Nobel, I saw you sitting in the audience holding hands with Leonard, and suddenly my award seemed hollow and meaningless. That was when I realized that I loved you. Even though it was too late for any romantic partnership, I still did everything I could to keep you in my life."

"I'm so glad you didn't give up on me," Penny sighed, pulling him down once more. She still felt like this might be a fantasy or a dream. When he took her hand and led her back toward his bedroom, she looked at him questioningly. "Wouldn't you be more comfortable if we took our time?" she asked softly, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do.

"I've been waiting for you for almost ten years, maybe longer. I'm not going to spend another moment apart from you."

It was quite possibly the most romantic thing she had ever heard. She beamed at him and melted into his arms. They did make it back to the bedroom… eventually.

The next morning, Penny called her parents to tell them that she wasn't moving back to Nebraska after all. Her mother heard the happiness in her voice and started to cry while her husband looked on in bewilderment. When Connie handed him the phone, he demanded that Penny explain herself.

"Sheldon loves me, Daddy. He has for years. And I was only leaving because I'm in love with him, and I thought he didn't feel the same way about me," Penny said.

"Well, he'd better make damn sure he treats you right or he'll have me to answer to," her father growled.

Penny laughed softly. "He's changed more than I ever thought possible, and it was all without any hope of me loving him back. Now that we're together, neither of us is ever going to do anything to mess it up. Once you get to know him, I don't think you'll have any more worries on that score."

"Does that mean you'll be home soon for a visit?" Wyatt asked hopefully.

"Yup," Penny replied. "You and Mom need to get to know your future son-in-law."

******

Epilogue:

A little girl streaked toward the playground, her brown curls bouncing against her back as she ran. She reached the slide and then looked back, dancing with impatience.

"Come on, Daddy!" she yelled. "Why are you and Mommy so slow?"

Her father smiled at her, the lopsided grin that meant that everything was all right. "Be patient, sweetheart. Your mother just got out of the hospital last week." He glanced back at his wife, who was trailing behind him with her arms full of a precious burden. She looked up at him and beamed, her beautiful carefree smile reminding him of the first day they met. They were both quite a few years older now. Sheldon had a few lines around the corners of his eyes, but they were laugh lines, and he wore the simple gold band on his left hand with all the pride he used to reserve for his academic achievements.

He hurried back to Penny's side and drew one of the tiny swaddled bundles into the crook of his arm. "I don't see why you insist on carrying both of them at once," he scolded. "The risk of injury to either yourself or the babies is greatly increased—"

She laughed and cut off the rest of his protest with a kiss. "You just want to hold your son again, don't you?"

He examined the sleeping infant in his arms. "Actually, I'm positive that this is our daughter, even though she is wearing a blue sleeper. Did our twins prevent you from getting adequate REM sleep last night?"

She yawned even as she shrugged. "Last night, the night before, the night before that... they're still newborns. They're supposed to wake up every few hours."

Leah skipped back to them, vying for her parents' attention. "Watch me, Mommy! Watch me, Daddy! I can hang upside down on the monkey bars!"

Sheldon knelt down and ruffled her hair affectionately. "We've already discussed this, sweetheart. Your new brother and sister are little and need a lot of care, but we will always love you. You don't need to yell or attempt some reckless stunt to get our attention."

Leah had wrinkled up her face, unsure of what her dad's big words meant, but she was happy to have her parents' focus back on her. Carefully, she kissed the downy heads of her new siblings. "I love you, baby," she said to each one. Then she looked up at her dad and grinned mischievously in a manner that reminded him strongly of Penny. "I'm not a baby anymore. I like being four," she announced. "I'm a big kid, and that means I can go on the monkey bars."

At her father's nod, she dashed off again, shrieking with joy to show off her acrobatic skills.

Penny smiled. "Every time I see how fearless and outgoing she is, I wish Leonard could have known her better."

"I believe that those qualities may come from you, but I agree. Leonard would be very proud of her. And you have done an excellent job raising her to also be confident and caring."

"I miss him still," Penny said quietly. "But I think I miss the person I hoped he would be. I loved him, and I never regretted marrying him, at least not until I found out about his cheating. There were times after his death that I thought I couldn't go on. I thought I'd never be happy again. You were always there for me. I don't know how I could possibly be so lucky to find love again, and to have it be deeper and stronger than before. I just know that I'm grateful for every day that I get to spend with you."

This declaration earned her a lingering kiss from her husband. "I don't believe in luck. By every statistical model of the universe, I would have ended up alone, with even those who called themselves my friends reluctant to put up with me... or perhaps manipulated into some kind of long-term relationship with Amy," he added with a shudder. "But whether it was by some permutation of the universe or fate or a miracle, I will love you for the rest of my life. And if you should somehow happen to be right about there being forces in the universe that can't be explained by science, then if I am lucky..." he said with a smile. "Perhaps I will continue to love you even longer than that."


End file.
